This article first appeared in S-Anews, September 1999. Reprinted with permission.

The whole concept of “sexual anorexia” is an issue for me. Some therapists seem to use the term to describe someone who is sexually shut down from their partner. However, “sexual anorexia” is not an S-Anon approved term. One thing we do know for sure that is supported by both SA and S-Anon is mutual abstinence: 1) it ensures a drying out period for the sexaholic; 2) it allows a period of time to focus on our own recovery and regain other aspects of intimacy and friendship in our lives that were lost or never before experienced. It is a time to learn that, in fact, sex is “optional” (see SA Solution in the “White Book”).

About four months ago, my husband and I ended a 20-month period of mutual abstinence that we are both extremely grateful for. During this time we learned how to experience true and innocent intimacy unlike anything we had experienced before. We learned about things like emotional, spiritual, and physical non-sexual intimacy, and we both learned how to be “fully present” when we are together sexually.

During our abstinence, someone in S-Anon sadly suggested that either my husband or myself were perhaps “sexually anorexic.” We were both hurt by this unsolicited comment. Today, neither of us have any shame about our abstinence, as it has freed us from the false thought that sex was a mandatory (the most important) expression of love. I have learned that I am certainly a sexual being with healthy sexual desires like any other, but I also know that it is okay for me to honor my body if I do not feel safe in any way. Therefore, I choose not to “beat myself up” with therapy terminology, but focus on the solutions found in the S-Anon program.

I ask that we avoid the use of professional terms like “sexual anorexia” because “the precise meaning of these terms is still uncertain and because they may perpetuate the tendency to focus on the sexaholic.” (See S-Anon Group Handbook, p. 9., sections C and D.) In order to keep our focus clear, let’s continue to speak about and from the S-Anon point of view.