Sometimes when I am on edge, I want to take in lust to calm myself. I obviously can’t look at porn or masturbate (or act out with another person). Because I would lose my sobriety and I’d have to disclose my actions to my wife. So my disease whispers in my ear that a “euphoric recall” is the perfect answer. I tell myself, “This will take the edge off my anxiety – and I haven’t taken any action of lust.”

I don’t even have to tell my sponsor since I literally didn’t do anything. I can use recalled sexual images to help me relax so I can go to sleep and I don’t have to move at all. My eyes are closed. There is no action at all since I am not looking at anything nor am I moving my body to stimulate myself in any way. I tell myself “This is what I need, there can’t be anything wrong if I haven’t even done anything.”

But this is all a lie. I have chosen to take in lust. In the active addiction I chose to pursue lust so I didn’t have to experience uncomfortable feelings (even good ones).

With a euphoric recall, I am doing the same thing, even if it might be on a “smaller” scale. This is my drug. It may not be a technical breach of sobriety, but my choice here is certainly an action of lust, for I choose to take in lust. This is the first step down the scary road of addiction. In order to walk the path of recovery, I need progressive victory over lust. I have no choice if I want real lasting sobriety and recovery.

How can I calm myself when I am uncomfortable going to sleep? I can talk about what’s bothering me with my wife, sponsor, fellow member or another friend. I can pray to a loving God for help with what’s bothering me. I can meditate. I can write an inventory or just journal about what’s bothering me. I have a choice: I can choose to take an action of recovery or I can choose to be stuck with my discomfort (which will lead me into lust). I can’t choose to simply not lust because I’m not capable of that. All I need is a simple action of recovery. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one decision at a time.

This program of recovery has given me many gifts and tools. They have to start with an awareness of myself and what is going on around me. That comes from seeking the truth. I can’t hope to be honest and truthful if I don’t even know what that looks like. I need to recognize the situation I am in and what my stinking thinking is telling me so I can do something as simple as ask God to take away my lust right now.