My form of fantasy is something that I hadn’t heard from anyone before, therefore I believed it could be something someone could be prejudiced towards me about. I remember in my early days of acting out I would fantasize about what women were enjoying. Being a male I felt my form of acting out wasn’t even “manly” enough to be shared with others. My last relapse happened when I refrained from sharing this with anyone else. I learnt my lesson. I needed to “begin exposing the roots of my spiritual emptiness and hunger instead of covering those feelings with compulsive sex.”

I was asked by one of my sponsors early on what sort of pornography I engaged in. The correct answer was “lesbian,” but I said “anything would do.” I was honest in saying that really anything would do, but I was not rigorously honest when I said it. I hid something from my sponsor.

I feared if I told others that I used to chat with males and females anonymously while saying that I was a female, then even members would not talk to me. They might tease me, and if not to my face then at least in their heads. I feared what I would say to a newcomer. How would I share my story? What if it leaked out of the group? I have been coming out of that fear by sharing it with the fellows I came to know over the course of one year in recovery. Thank God for SA.