In search of sobriety, sex addicts battle selves and society

Abused by her uncle at the age of four, she began using sex to battle loneliness and rejection. But when it became a behavior she could no longer control, *Talitha K. scoured the net for help. After an online test, Talitha realized that she is a sex addict. Afraid to confide in her family and desperate to get help, she reached out to Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). Today, she uses their 12-point program to remain sober. “I was sexually abused by my uncle and father and ended up marrying a man who was also an addict,” says 31-year-old Talitha, adding that she found masturbation a coping mechanism to fight boredom, and ‘to feel loved.’ “My addiction was more to ‘love and relationships’ but I admitted it only about two months back.”

She is one of three people from Chennai who have reached out to SA for help. SA, started in Nashville, US, launched in India in 2017 and has about 100 members across the country. In a society where sex and sexuality are still discussed in hushed tones, it’s one of the few spaces where sexaholics can seek help without being judged.

“The biggest challenges are a complete lack of awareness and stigma. People don’t realize it’s like an illness – most of our members have been sexually abused or have undergone a trauma. Others have a genetic predisposition to addiction,” says *Sai, a Hyderabad-based member. While SA has meetings in Hyderabad, they help sexaholics in other parts of the country through calls, Skype and email. “We conduct conference calls once a week and each member has a ‘sponsor’ (another SA member) who guides them to follow the 12 Steps,” says Sai. “The Steps deal with the primary causes of addiction — loneliness, fear, anger, shame, self-hatred and other negative attitudes.”

SA terms sexaholics ‘sex drunks,’ comparing their situation to “that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop.” Similarly, the sexaholic can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop. “Typically, sex with ourselves or others starts us off, and, as in other addictions, it dissolves tension, relieves depression, resolves conflicts or provides the means to cope with a difficult life situation or take an action that seemed impossible before,” says Sai, adding that all these effects are at best temporary. “Finally, our addiction takes priority over everything else — our ability to work, live in the real world, and relate comfortably with others suffers.”

How often an addict turns to sex depends on the person, the resources they have, time, etc. “When an alcoholic has plenty of money, he drinks expensive liquor. But as he runs out of money, he would drink cheap liquor. Similarly, I was having sex with prostitutes up to three times a day when I had the money. But after I ran out of money, I began to sleep with other men and cross dressers/transgenders to save money,” says Sai.

Most are afraid to confide in family and friends. Their fears are not unfounded. When Sai told his friends, they laughed at him. “When I told my parents, there were fights, tears, I was taken to temples, and almost ran away from home,” he says.

SA has been a beacon of hope. “Connecting with other women has given me immense encouragement and hope that my addiction can be combated,” says Talitha, a stay-at-home mom who joined SA in May.

Psychiatrists say the real issue could lie between the ears and not the legs. “A therapist showed me how lust and sex weren’t the problem. My reactions to life were causing all my troubles, and my problem was emotional and spiritual,” says Sai.

(*Names have been changed to protect identity)