In the cell block I have a friend Seth. He talks to me, is friendly and warm. He has been open and honest about his heroin addiction.

I think about another friend I had on the outside, Erik, the son of my best friend, also a “dry” addict. Although Erik was honest with me about his addiction, I hid mine from him and everyone. My lust addiction caused me to disconnect from people, to isolate myself, withdraw from healthy connections, and seek unhealthy ones. Those tendencies still exist in me, even at nine months sober.

Seth has given me hope, though. He showed me yesterday some of the symptoms of his heroin addiction. He has blackened veins in his arms that have shrunken and collapsed. He showed me places in his arms that were returning to normal blood flow, not blackened. It gives me hope that the symptoms of my addiction over time may fade, hope that my ability to connect with people will improve, and that my tendency to withdraw and disconnect will lessen. Seth’s openness and honesty encourages me to continue fighting my own demons that threaten my sobriety.

I wish, like Seth, I had been open and honest with Erik. Three days ago, Erik died. Fresh out of rehab, he probably relapsed. Maybe his body couldn’t handle the stress of a relapse.

Could I have prevented his death three days ago? I don’t know. I DO know that had I been honest with Erik over the years, one addict to another, perhaps he could have found the courage and strength to fight his demons, and hope. Once again, what MIGHT have been haunts me.

In another week or so, I will be released. Seth shared that in a week he will be in court to hear the initial offer of a sentence. I don’t know if our paths will cross again. I DO know that I am grateful to Seth for his example of honesty and his courage and will to fight his demons. I wish him well always.

It is too late for me to help Erik. But there are lots of other Eriks who need strength and courage, who need someone to be honest with them about addiction, someone to encourage them not to give up the fight.

Thank you, Seth, for showing me the way, for teaching me to try and help others the way you helped me, for giving me hope.

Ed: Written at the end of his incarceration, summer of 2017.