When I went through my first 90-day abstinence period, my sponsor suggested that one purpose for this abstinence was to discover that sex was totally optional. My wife and I have done several abstinence periods, from 45 to 90 days. Each experience brought a deeper understanding about ourselves and this disease.

Here is a principle I practice for being physically intimate: If I need it, I can’t have it. I cannot be physically intimate with my wife to relieve stress, find comfort, or to have a connection with her. Once I discovered that sex is totally optional, I discovered why optional is so important for me. Initially I wanted to starve out lust by not feeding it. Later, more importantly, I learned that I wanted to stay spiritually connected to my wife. I surrendered and God’s presence and power and joyous freedom came flowing in. If I took a lust drink, I disconnected from God like a balloon that pops. He did not leave me. Rather I was back in SELF. I have learned that when I am in SELF, I cannot experience God’s presence. The joy leaves and I am left with Me. The dark clouds roll in and my insanity returns.

When I surrender, and my wife and I are spiritually connected, it brings me more joy and closeness than lust ever did. During my first year I discovered that selfish intimacy left us separated. We could act like we were okay, but it was apparent the next day that we were separated. Though not fighting or angry, we were just not spiritually connected. The same separation would occur even with a hint of lust when we were physically intimate.

However, when we are spiritually connected, enjoying each other fully and lust is absent, we bond closer after physical intimacy. We want to be with each other, to talk, to walk, to look into each other’s eyes, go to the museum, or sit close snuggling on the couch. Lust-filled sex is not worth losing that closeness.

So if we are considering being physically intimate, I ask myself, am I needing this? Am I wanting this for a connection, to relieve stress, or find comfort? If the answer is “no” to those questions, then I can enjoy what God gives me as a gift at that moment. I use this in my marriage to eliminate any form of lust. If I fall short from my “Ideal” — and I do — I lose what is now so precious to me: a spiritual connection with my wife.