I have been in the program since 2010. I have been allowed to be sober for 13 years and am grateful to have been asked to write an article about men and women in the community.

This, of course, reminds me of where I come from. A first encounter with women in SA was an absolute threat to me. I was full of fantasies, imaginings, and desires. I was driven sheer crazy by the mere knowledge that a woman might be seated in the next meeting. In the beginning, I didn’t realize that these women were sitting in that meeting because of the same problem I was having. With the onset of sobriety starting in 2013, this attitude slowly changed. I still remember a German-speaking meeting in 2015 where I was able to meet women in the program for the first time without “wanting” anything from them, at least on a prurient level. The “wanting to be admired” and “Wanting to have recognition” continues to challenge me today. Nevertheless, this was a wonderful progress, as I could begin to see a person in the woman.

Another important experience was listening intensely to a female friend from the S-Anon program in a marathon meeting. Here, for the first time, I became aware of the suffering I had caused my wife and other women. Yet, at any given time, I was still unable to distinguish self-pity from compassion. I had compassion for the S-Anon friend at the time, but it quickly caused me to fall back into self-pity and guilt. Over the years I was allowed to practice more and more a healthy and sober contact with female friends in the program, of course also from outside the program, especially through common services in the community with women. Ultimately, God gave me this and/or it is a consequence of working the Steps.

Today, I can say without reservation that women in the SA community no longer throw me off balance. Overwhelmingly, encounters with women in SA are characterized by compassion. This compassion gives me the freedom not to be too preoccupied with myself, but to direct my concentration and attention to my counterpart. Here it is irrelevant whether they are women or men. An excellent side effect, which is also evident with regard to all other healthy behaviors, is that when I focus my attention on a person and have interest in them, there is no room and space for lustfulness in me. This of course can turn around quite quickly, fortunately I always become aware of this turn around quite quickly and I can surrender this and return to my healthy way of “being attentive”.

I believe that a turning point is partly due to the fact that I have begun to face my lustfulness in so far as I was allowed to realize that it no longer gives me anything, but it takes everything away from me. I started the program as a love cripple in 2010. Today I can say that I can direct my attention in men and women to the person, his/her character, the way of thinking and, their value system, and relate to what interests me. Interest, “being in between”, as mentioned above, is another pattern, which keeps me from wanting to lustfully desire. Interest in my fellow man is a focus that does not approve of lasciviousness in me.

I feel very richly blessed that the threat of women in meetings that existed 13 years ago has now turned into a great gift. I believe, just for today, that God has given me a sober approach to women in the program. The other day I was asked to start a men’s meeting. I declined because I feel distinctly comfortable in mixed meetings. Here I am as a human being and see everyone else as a human being. What a gift. Thank God for this precious change of being.