By the time I was five I already had a developed capacity for sexual fantasy. I imagined having sex with the biology skeleton in the kindergarten classroom. I imagined sex with my kindergarten teacher. My Dad caught my little sister and me laying on top of each other when I was seven and she four. I remember playing doctor with her a year or two later. We did that a handful of times in our life.

I saw my first pornography at 9 or 10. I found a nudie magazine someone had dumped in the woods. I looked at every page.

My addiction was set in stone when I was 14. Mom and Dad had recently divorced and I was alone most of the summer because Mom worked full-time as a nurse. I had friends who loved porn, too. We found one parent’s stash and sat in my friend’s room masturbating the day away, smoking weed, cigarettes, and drinking beer when we could get any. I was using lust to fill the void left by my broken family and absent parents.

Two of my lowest points of addiction were when I was 12 convincing a friend’s little sister to touch us more than once. Other low moments include searching and watching bestiality and anime rape on the internet. These images are burned in my mind.

By age 28 I had to admit I was addicted. For the longest time, I thought I could break the “habit” on my own. I joined a church-based 12-Step program for sex addicts. I found what seemed like immediate recovery. I didn’t act out for the next 9 months. Then I began looking at pornography again.

Finally, after years of repeatedly failing at lasting recovery, the ultimatum came from my wife. She said she would divorce me if I didn’t stop. It was my rock bottom. I gave up and surrendered all of my life to God. I was powerless over lust. I determined to do whatever it took. We searched and found SA. My first meeting was hard — I didn’t know if I belonged. I was shocked when the members each shared their addictive behaviors with fearless honesty. I had never been with people who shared such things without censure. I resolved to start from the beginning and do it right this time.

I have learned one of the secrets to progressive victory over lust: surrender to God. His will — not mine — was the only way. Surrender in every moment of my life, not just those in which I face temptation or emotional turmoil. I don’t want to just be in recovery, I want to be everything He wants to make me, and I know that requires all of me all of the time. I’m not there yet, but I’m definitely headed there. That’s what matters.