When I got sober in SA, I had to learn what healthy sexuality is and how to experience true intimacy. I had never experienced either one for any prolonged period in over 30 years of marriage. My relationship was plagued with control and avoidance. My wife knew something was wrong, but for many years I denied it.

What I have learned so far, after four years of SA sobriety, is that any form of control undermines what God is after in my marriage—namely, true freedom. I can only love my wife if I am free to do so and if she responds to me freely, without fear. Therefore I must surrender all forms of fantasy and sexual control.

I’ve learned that when pornographic images or fantasies of other women come into my mind, I must stop any sexual intimacy until I surrender them to God and my head is clear. I don’t explain this to my wife. I don’t need to plant fear in her mind. I simply stop, surrender the fantasy, work the Steps, and talk to my sponsor.

For me, fantasy is an attempt to control the mood of the experience with my wife, and I cannot allow the experience with her to continue with any such additive. I must also surrender control of what she will do, and of any kind of manipulation of the sexual experience. Any form of control undermines my experience with her. I only want her to engage in an activity she is comfortable with. I am invested in her freedom as well as my own. Formerly, sex was something I took from her. Lust is taking. But now, sex is something we share.

The White Book says that “sex was indeed optional” (204), and I can only remain free if orgasm is also optional. Formerly, any sexual involvement with my wife would mean that I had to have an orgasm. If I didn’t get it, I would resort to masturbation soon after. Before, I would feel robbed without orgasm, but now I have learned that whatever happens is okay. I have let go. How does this relate to my overall program? It is deeply connected to detaching from outcomes, and that means all outcomes—sexual ones included.

My wife and I now enjoy intimacy, even if it is imperfect. Before, I felt that I could not sit in a room quietly with my wife unless I controlled the conversation. I even felt she demanded that I “come up with something” to talk about. I have now let go of that too. If we are quiet, so be it. If she wants to talk, I try to listen. I have learned that I don’t have to fix her unhappiness or take responsibility for it. We are now just two people who freely choose to be with each other—people who choose to listen to each other. I have learned that if I can’t get to that place, there is usually something wrong with me. Our goal is to be two people sitting in a room choosing each other, again and again. That is all and it is more than enough. It is also the best place to be. And we have discovered that we really like and really love each other.

Love, intimacy, and sexual expression all flourish in a place of freedom and honesty. This is a place where things can truly blossom. The SA program is designed to move me along on a spiritual path—but the benefits accrue to my marriage as well.