Lately, I have not performed well at my job. I’m worried that I’ll be laid off. I’ve feared a layoff before, but this could be it.

Guilt about my performance greets me as I wake up each morning and follows me all day until I fall asleep. Guilt is accentuated by depression. The guilt leading to depression forms a terrible cycle. I don’t sleep well, and the guilt gets worse and turns into fear. Fear leads me to live in the wreckage of the future. I think:

• I’ll never work again.
• People will know it was all my fault and will treat me with derision.
• I’ll be forced to live with destitute strangers in a small dirty apartment.
• Health ailments will descend upon me, and I’ll have no money to care for myself.

Often, I don’t want to let go of guilt because I think it will remind me not to make mistakes again. But guilt lowers my energy level, so my job performance gets worse. Guilt also eats at the confidence I need to find new work.

Sometimes I resent others for their contribution to the fix I’m in. This works! When I let anger flow in, the guilt goes away, and I experience the illusion of being powerful and in control. However, if I want to heal, I need to surrender my guilt to God, as described in Step Seven: “Every time I surrendered a wrong in process—temptation to lust, resentment, or fear, for example, and would say something to the effect, ‘I don’t want to bear this; I want You to bear it for me; I cast it onto You,’ it worked” (SA 121, italics added).

If I ask God to remove my shame, I could pray for guidance about how to proceed, and the power to carry it out (Step Eleven). I could ask Him to “remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to [Him] and my fellows” (AA 76).

Sending this mini inventory off to ESSAY is the beginning of my healing, as described in Step One: “Experience has shown us that the public aspect of surrender is crucial. It seems surrender is never complete until it is brought out into the open, into the company of others. This is the great test that separates the wishers and whiners from doers” (SA 85).

I am tired of wishing away this addiction to guilt and to failure. So with God’s help, I surrender my defects publicly to the fellowship of SA, and I pray for the strength to act accordingly.