My struggles with sexual fantasy began when I was five years old. I began masturbating when I was ten. But in the summer of 2009, when I was 27, I walked into SA and have been sober ever since, by the grace of God alone.

When I was very young, my dad sexually molested me. Still, he seemed like a fun and happy person and he felt safer to me than my mother. My mother was quite emotional and would cry and rage at us. I did not feel safe with her. I was sad when my mother divorced my dad after I disclosed to her the molestation. I wanted her to make him stop; I didn’t want to be left alone with her.

When I was five, to survive the emotional chaos, I began living in a sexually violent fantasy world. At 10, I discovered masturbation. Over time I got more sophisticated at it. My mother eventually remarried, to a man who was an alcoholic and rageaholic. He would physically beat up my brothers and me. I remember that after being beaten, I would masturbate again and again. At age 11, I discovered the Internet. I would spend hours downloading violent pornography. This filled me with shame.

As a young teenager, I created fantasy relationships with other women. In my later teens, I had both male and female sexual acting out partners. During my marriage, I had emotional affairs with both men and women. I would also spend hours viewing pornography and masturbating.

I was surprised when my husband joined SA last year and disclosed to me his sexual addiction. I was sure that he was mistaken. I knew that I was the real addict. But after seeing him become a changed person, I no longer felt comfortable acting out. That was hard because I did not want to give up masturbation. It had been a friend I could rely on. But I started reading my husband’s White Book and loved what I read.

One day I found the courage to call SA Central Office. I received a list of meetings in my area as well as well as a phone list of SA women who are willing to receive calls.

When I entered the room for my first meeting, it was full of mostly guys. They told me that I was in the wrong room. I insisted I was not, and I stayed and I grew.

There are very few SA women in my area, so I asked a woman on the phone list to be my sponsor. I had been in Twelve Step rooms prior to SA, but was unable to keep a sponsor, unable to get past Step Three, and never had a spiritual experience. I would objectify my sponsors, place them on pedestals, and sexualize them. Through SA, I found a sexually sober sponsor. I’m grateful for the safety she gives me by setting boundaries, such as insisting that I call other women and attend live meetings.

Following are some things I surrendered when I came to SA:

• Putting people on pedestals, romanticizing them, lusting after them, and wanting to be lusted after
• Reading books to find new material to use for my fantasies
• Using the Internet or the news or movies to feed my fantasies
• Looking at things and people that I don’t need to look at
• Using social networking sites, because I’d snoop on guys and gals, and receive unexpected porn

In exchange for what I’ve given up, I’ve gained so much more. God is the main gift SA has given me. Even though I belong to other Twelve Step fellowships, I never found the spiritual experience I’ve found in SA. While I was practicing my fantasy life, there was no room for a Higher Power. Now, as a result of working the Steps and stopping the fantasies, I have found a God I can trust.

In a crazy way I thank God for my addiction, because it gave me peace and comfort when there was none, but today, I’m learning that the universe will provide me with the comfort I need. I don’t need the addiction. Either I’ll be given the strength I need, or I’ll feel God’s presence, or He will send someone else—but I need not figure it out. I can trust that He has it figured out for me, and that His plan is best.

It’s hard to let go of euphoric recall when it comes, the energy is so seductive, but then the shame and remorse come, and that is worse. By not practicing those fantasies, I redefine who God really is for me.

Today, I’m actually doing what I thought impossible: I’m having a quiet time, mostly with guided meditation, and not consistently yet, but I think it will come. This has helped me to intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me (AA 84). I’m learning to make friendships with women without lusting. That feeling of worthlessness and self-pity is lifting. Sometimes, I get to see through the haze.

Today, I’m able to do more of jumping off the bridge, of letting go and surrendering in many areas, just as I do with lust. I’m facing my financial insecurity and trying to trust there also. I’ve got a long way to go, but today I’m trudging the road of happy destiny, together with others in recovery.

At times, it seems that my precious sobriety might be rather easily lost, but I’m holding on tight!