In recovery, I’ve learned to make prompt amends. In the past, when I wronged someone but did not make amends right away, the wrong would haunt me for days. A quick amends, however, can erase the toxicity of what I’ve done, and often creates a new connection with the other person (as well as with myself). Thus, I vow to practice Step Ten every day.

Following are some questions I have answered related to making Step Ten amends:

How will reviewing my planned amends with my Higher Power and my sponsor make a difference? If an amends is long overdue, I need to give the matter thoughtful consideration and prayer. The voices of my Higher Power and sponsor have helped me know how to proceed. For example, my sponsor has at times advised me that an amends was not necessary and might even be a way of shaming myself. About 16 years ago, a neighbor yelled at me for not controlling my dog. I tried to work this out the best I could at the time, but he rejected me. I wanted to make further amends but my sponsor felt that making any further amends was not necessary and might be a way of harming myself.

What is the difference between making an apology and making an amends? An amends should communicate that I don’t want to continue the behavior. About a month ago, I told a woman in a church vestry meeting that she had said enough, that we were going over the same issues again and again, and that it was late and time to close. After the meeting she left the room, clearly hurt. I thought about this for a while and later called her to make an amends. I told her that my actions had nothing to do with her behavior (indeed, I respect her and always learn from her). I said that my behavior was based on my own character defect of impatience, and that I am working on my tendency to be impatient. I think that is the characteristic of a true amends.

What are my motives for making amends? My main motive is that doing so restores me to sanity. Not making the amends leads to feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness, and the possibility of acting out.

Am I willing to accept the outcome whatever it may be? Yes, I am willing, even though the outcome might be uncomfortable. I would rather clean the slate than carry the memory of my misconduct. The remorse could affect my sobriety.

How have I planned for other ways to make amends whenever direct amends are not currently possible? How will I make amends to those who have died? I have made amends to those who have died (as well as to people who are alive but whom I can’t reach) by praying for them, and by taking their names to God in my shirt pocket (next to my heart) when I go to church. I try to imagine these people as well and happy. Also, I list the things that I have learned from them.

Are there amends that I can make to myself? How can I make them? I can make amends to myself by staying sober and working my program. I can participate in self-enhancing activities, such as painting with watercolors, singing in the choir, serving on two boards, playing tennis, keeping up with my friends, calling friends and family members on their birthdays, and being grateful for my good health and for my marriage and my family.

Which amends can best be done by changes in my behavior? What changes? I would like to make amends to all of my previous teachers, fellow students, previous employers and coworkers. I try to do this by doing well in graduate school, working hard to learn my trade (I am about to earn a certification as a therapist), being present to friends and family, and doing service work in the program.

Are any of the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous pages 83 and 84 being fulfilled in my life today? I believe that I have a freedom and a happiness that I have not known before. More and more, I know peace. I am better able to handle situations that used to baffle me. I am more interested in being of service than in any sort of private gain. The one promise that is still difficult is that I do regret the past and I wish I could redo many years of my life.

Practicing Step Ten amends in this way has been a valuable part of my recovery because it restores relationships and keeps me humble.