Early in my sobriety, I heard a member share that we will never be free from the temptation to lust, but we can gain progressive victory over it. I wasn’t comfortable with that statement for a long time. I wondered, “Can we never be free from the temptation?” Today I believe that, although we will never be cured, we can experience progressive freedom from temptation, just like progressive victory over lust.

For me, progressive victory over lust means that I do not participate in any of my addictive behaviors, and I live a life of rigorous honesty and compassion. This includes rigorous honesty with my wife. Unless I am completely honest with her, then the marriage we are rebuilding from the foundation up is built on quicksand rather than bedrock. But I cannot be honest with her if I am not honest with myself, and I know from experience that if I am not honest with myself, I cannot be sober or recover. I believe that freedom from the temptation to lust requires the same level of honesty.

After discussing these thoughts with my sponsor and other SA members, I have come to believe there are three prerequisites to experiencing freedom from temptation to lust.

The first is spiritual fitness. “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition” (AA 85). If I am not working my program and the Steps and do not have daily conscious contact with God as I understand God, then my chances for progressive victory over lust are limited. Without progressive victory over lust there cannot be a chance for reprieve from temptation.

Second, I cannot have progressive victory over temptation to lust if lust is active in my marriage. A significant period of sexual abstinence with my wife was called for, agreed upon, and completed. Abstinence did not miraculously result in lust being removed from our marriage, but it gave us time to reflect, share, learn, and grow together spiritually, without the pressure that sexual relations can bring. Our communications improved. We became more willing to talk about sex and lust and the difference between them. We’ve been able to share sexual experience that is mutually agreed upon (this requires talking about sex and what each other wants), and that is selfless and compassionate—and free from lust.

This ongoing communication requires practice. We have faced many issues and shared tears and smiles. Our marriage is not perfect but today we have a true union, where the door to each of our hearts is opened with honesty, intimacy, and communion. We are willing to be vulnerable and talk about the difficult things. This builds trust in our relationship.

The third prerequisite to experiencing freedom from temptation is surrendering my character defects, the same way I surrender lust. As I have worked the Steps, prayed, meditated, and turned everything over to my Higher Power, I have found that two of my most insidious defects are seduction and manipulation. These defects are pervasive in all my relations and are so subtle that I struggle to detect them. My stomach flips when I think about admitting my powerlessness over these defects to my wife. But I must face the truth about myself if I am to trudge forward. Being honest with my wife about how I would practice seduction to satisfy lust in my marriage, or how I would manipulate our relationship to groom opportunities to seduce myself with ritual and act out, is like tipping my hand. If I show her this, I have no cards left to play. This is scary but I want to progress to the next level.

When I surrender my character defects, I begin to see the light of true recovery (rather than mere sobriety): the positive practices of taking the actions of love, carrying the message, and helping those still suffering, including myself. Then I begin to feel the obsession and compulsion being lifted. This is not a permanent solution but a daily reprieve, and again it is totally dependent on my spiritual condition.

Today in my sobriety I have two choices for each situation that arises. I can choose to do the next right thing—my Higher Power leads me to make that choice. Or I can choose the path of lust—my self-will leads me there. I believe that the ability to make these choices is a gift—but there are other levels.

Sometimes I feel an aversion to connecting with others because I don’t want to look, fantasize, manipulate, or embellish the truth in my relationships. But if I am to know serenity, practice taking the actions of love, and be able to “look the world in the eye and stand free” (AA 75)—then I can’t look away all the time. The aversion helps me to not lust but it also prohibits me from looking through the eyes of a free human into the eyes of another. The aversion is also a gift that helps me to not look at the magazines in the checkout aisle. It helps me to not look at the skin all over the television or the girl walking down the street. But I desire the positive recovery “of acting out true union of persons” (SA 193, “Sobriety Definition”).

Some of us start working the Steps and move from abstinence to sobriety, but then we become paralyzed by the fear of looking again. Moving on to the next level of sobriety—into recovery—makes me feel more vulnerable, but I need to progress from dealing with lust to righting my relations.

So here I stand at the market where my wife works and I’m looking into the eyes of another. Another woman, another man, another girl, another boy. I am confronted with the aversion and look away, unwilling to risk lusting, unwilling to risk a look that will steal from them, a look in which I take instead of give. This can’t be all there is. I want to be free to connect spiritually with another, to be able to relate and love and laugh. I want to be free of the fear that I will hurt more people. Free to be human and be with humans in a loving, caring, and peaceful way. I want to be free of temptation one day at a time. Is this my God’s will for me? I hope so.

We can all find encouragement in the words of SA (69): “The fear of our vulnerability gradually diminishes as we stay sober and work the Steps. We can look forward to the time when the obsession—not temptations—will be gone.”