What is sober dating? I can only speak for myself. For me, sober dating has been the hardest, most demanding, and most rewarding experience of my life. When I was “out there” in my addiction, I never dreamed I would be able to be in a close relationship with a woman and remain sober from lust and sex. Today, I’m here to tell you that it is possible. It’s not easy, but it is possible. One thing that makes it easier, however, is that I have the tools of the Steps, which teach me how to relate honestly with others.

For me, the hardest things about dating in recovery have been being honest and having healthy boundaries. I’ve had to be honest with myself and with others. For my relationship to stay healthy and my sobriety to stay secure, I must be 100% honest with my sponsor, my home group, and myself. Throughout the 18 months of our relationship, I have constantly had to fight against my desire to keep little secrets and get away with just a little lust.

Early on, I tried to get away with slim to no boundaries and ended up losing my sobriety, when I climaxed while we were kissing. This was a humbling experience. It was hard to admit that I had lost 18 months of sobriety only three days after being in a relationship. Today, I thank God for that experience because I started this relationship knowing how powerless I truly am.

After losing my sobriety, I still tried to get away with little lust hits. This did not work! The power of my lust finally humbled me enough to admit that I am no different than any other sexaholic. I cannot get away with any lust hits, no matter what. I must treat my relationship partner exactly the same way I would treat any other person. I cannot lust after her.

Good boundaries have been the key to not lusting, one day at a time. The lack of healthy boundaries is what caused me to lose my sobriety at first. Our boundaries today include no kissing—even on the cheek or forehead. When we sit together on the couch, we must be sitting up. We don’t spend any time alone at my apartment. She lives with her parents, so we spend a lot of time at her house because of the safety of being around others. We experience appropriate touch through hugging and holding hands. It is also very important for us to have good communication and develop intimacy through talking and sharing our emotions.

For the sake of sobriety, I can’t set up too many boundaries. I need to be constantly aware of what I’m feeling. I must be honest and admit when something we’re doing threatens my sobriety.

I believe that any sexaholic who is considering dating should list his or her boundaries on paper, share them with a sponsor, then share them with the relationship partner. If the partner cannot agree to what is needed to stay sober, then that is not a good relationship for a sexaholic. If I’m not sober, I have nothing to offer anyone.

We started our relationship with friendship first. We were friends for about four months and spent a lot of time together with her parents. We played cards and other games. I ate dinner with her family and she spent time with mine. We took walks together, talked a lot, and went bowling. We danced in salsa class together; that proved to be good grounds for recovery and surrendering lust. I talked with my sponsor constantly about our time together and my thoughts and feelings about this girl. Before I asked her to date me, I talked with my sponsor and made sure it was the right time.

My home group held a check meeting for me, where I could share and get feedback from those who know me best. This was great because I felt that I was not going it alone. I had the support of my closest friends.

Our relationship has been far from perfect and I do have some regrets. I wish that I had been totally honest from the beginning. Because of my dishonesty and keeping small secrets, I hurt my partner by having to ask for boundaries that should have been set up from the beginning. I wish that I had set up better emotional and time boundaries as well. We have had a lot of trouble with dependency issues because I was too unhealthy to ask for the time apart that I needed. But the regrets have taught me to surrender more to the process of recovery within our relationship.

I believe that any sexaholic who desires a relationship should have a good period of sobriety and recovery before beginning. Even though we are never “cured,” being as healthy and sober as possible will help avert a lot of problems.

My relationship has caused me to grow in ways that would have been impossible alone. A relationship demands something that being single and independent usually does not. In this relationship, my defects have become more glaring than ever. This has required me to work the Steps more consistently. If I begin to get off track and lose my focus on sobriety, it becomes apparent rather quickly. I have learned to make amends quickly and cleanly—and I have to make amends a lot. I hate it, but I have to do this in order to stay sober.

I know that this relationship is God’s will for me, and I will do the very best I can to have the healthiest and most rewarding relationship possible. I hope that my words are of service to some of you who are trying to do this thing which we call “sober dating,” I hope to meet some of you on the journey of recovery.