I had a dream in which a woman who was dumping me explained what she thought was wrong with me: “You are lost in self-pity,” she said. I awoke with nausea and a sense of dread. Oh no! Not self-pity!

And it occurred to me that if I am judgmental of a character defect in others, it interferes with my inventorying of it in myself. If I notice it in myself, I will instinctively judge myself and beat myself up for it, or avoid seeing it simply for what it is.

Self-pity is an example. I get really annoyed when other people are in self-pity. It becomes rather difficult for me to feel patience, tolerance, understanding, and love toward them, or to act as if I do. But if I’m in self-pity and someone tries to call me on it, I will defend myself like crazy, because I so badly want them to be wrong. Or if I know they’re right, I at least want them to cut me some slack and stop talking about it already.

I suspect such character defects might be the ones I wrestle with and “work on,” because I can’t stand myself for having them. That gets me into a real bad fit of “playing God.” There I am, trying to “work on it,” and at the same time not wanting to be honest with myself about it. It’s kind of like trying to drive a car on a busy highway when I’m not tall enough to see over the steering wheel or reach the pedals. I wonder what the problem is? Maybe it’s on account of all you mangy varmints out there? Probably I should just be at home, watching cartoons or riding my Big Wheel or something.

So maybe before I can become free of self-pity, I have to become willing to see it in myself. And maybe it helps me see it in myself if I can still like and love myself after I’ve noticed it. And that only works if I can like and love others while I’m noticing their self-pity.

Note to self: Put self-pitying people on my Step Four list. Also, people who write notes to self!