A member asked, “Do you feel connected to people?” She was feeling uncomfortable in mixed meetings, after one year of sobriety.

My answer was yes, I feel very connected, and honestly, I feel the most connected at our mixed meeting. Approximately 40 people attend the meeting, four of us are women. Occasionally I’m the only woman. I also attend a women-only meeting but it’s small, and I prefer the larger amount of experience, strength, and hope at the mixed meeting.

My husband and I attend the same meeting, which I’m sure is a safety factor, but I’m still nervous when I’m the only woman there. It’s mostly about what other people think, as in “Do they think I’m weird because I’m the only woman here?”

But I’ve become more comfortable as I’ve gotten to know these guys over time. I feel connected to them because when I listen to their shares, I can see that we are all alike, male or female. I feel connected because even when I think my share was stupid or perhaps revealed too much of my own insanity, they treat me just the same afterwards, as if I hadn’t shared about anything other than the weather. There is great recovery there, and great sharing. I feel like they are my brothers. I love the group. I feel connected.

But I did not have the courage to go to a mixed meeting after one year of sobriety. In fact I didn’t have the courage to go to SA at all my first few years of sobriety; I got sober in another program, using my husband’s Sexaholics Anonymous and other materials, and getting my story out very slowly, to only a few trusted women.

This all started about six years ago, when my husband joined a “men’s group” at the insistence of our counselor. After a while, I asked him what sort of group he was in, and he responded, “It’s for sex addicts”—and it hit me like a lightning bolt: “That is what I am.” I had worried for years that I must be crazy or demon possessed, but I knew immediately in that moment: “I am a sex addict.” But I was speechless; I could not respond, could not be vulnerable, and could not share a thing.

The counselor later sent me to a “spouse’s group” which I was determined to get myself kicked out of, since clearly, everything was all my husband’s fault. I had huge pride/guilt/shame/denial issues and I could not get my story out. Not even to the counselor (too embarrassing). I was afraid of being judged, pitied, or rejected. I could not admit what I knew was the truth and go to the correct meeting. I just could not do it. But I knew the sobriety definition, knew I needed some sort of “program,” and I had access to my husband’s materials. So I worked on my sobriety in the other program, working the Steps and sharing only brief bits of my past . . . and avoiding almost all men, at all costs (it was white-knuckle sobriety at first).

Only after several years and my third time working the Steps was I able to do an honest, thorough Step One sexual inventory and share it with my sponsor—and that is when I hit bottom, and it was the first time my sponsor actually believed me when I said “I think I’m a sex addict too.” I had never shared with anyone all of my past behaviors, all at once, all together before. I had never even written it out for myself. It was 20 pages typed; I felt triggered as I wrote it. I needed help. I wanted to go to an SA meeting. But even then I had to force myself to go to the women-only meeting. I was scared to death to go to the meeting and reveal myself as a “sexaholic,” even among women, and even among other sex addicts.

But I soon became comfortable in the women’s meeting. I was surprised to find other women who shared my same struggles. I felt freedom; I loved the group; I wished I had gone there years before. And then one day, one of the women challenged me to go to a mixed meeting where she said I would learn “to not sexualize men.”

This might have been okay if I could have been anonymous. But my husband was in the group, as well as a bunch of guys who already knew me from being in groups with their wives. How could I suddenly show up after years of never mentioning my SA stuff? This was too humiliating. It was one more thing I felt I could not do. But I went, challenging myself to go “just once” so as not to be controlled by fear. But I was scared to death.

I spent the first several weeks staring at the floor in front of me and not sharing at all. My fear was much more about shame than about being triggered (which was a concern). It has really been very hard for me to honestly, openly share my shame. I want to be loved, admired. I don’t want to show weakness. I fear being rejected or attacked. However, as I listened to the guys share, I came to the amazing conclusion that really, we are all alike. I decided I could share at this meeting because they are all just like me.

So today I can honestly say that I feel “part of” the mixed meeting, and I feel connected. But it has been a very long road, with a lot of humility lessons for me along the way. I have learned, finally, that I gain the most freedom when I bring all of my weaknesses to the light and feel the acceptance of the group. Today that is what makes me feel truly “happy, joyous, and free.”

One thing I can promise is that it all gets better with time, and that having women to connect with is HUGE. And that we each only need to do what feels safe for us today, and we can trust God to do the rest—and He will do it, in His time.

I love this program; it has given me life.