In Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. and Dr. Bob speak of their need to seek out other alcoholics or they could not stay sober. This need was not based on a desire to fix other drunks, but rather to share with others their truths regarding alcohol in their lives, and their need for a relationship with God, the One who could help them live without alcohol. Over the years, as the AA fellowship has grown, the focus seems to have slowly shifted from a need for relationships to a focus on doing the “work” of recovery, with a sponsor’s help.

But sponsor/sponsee relationships become strained by sponsors who want their sponsees to do the work and “get it.” These sponsors see sponsees who don’t follow directions as “not ready,” and the sponsor may even fire a sponsee.

As an addict, forming healthy relationships is not one of my strong points. I’m not by nature an asset to any relationship because the relationship quickly becomes all about me: my need for control, my need to feel power, my need to “fix” others, my need to avoid speaking of my own powerlessness, my need to judge, and mostly, my fear of the sponsee “failing,” because that would mean I had failed as a sponsor. What a mess!

Some of us look for sponsors who will “make” us sober by telling us what to do. These sponsors gather non-sober SAs and poke, prod, or carry them into their Step work and their sobriety. I think the major pitfall here is for the sponsor, who can easily forget his or her own powerlessness by attempting to carry so many others.

What then is the role of a sponsor, if not to impart to the sponsee the experience of what it takes to be sober? Here is my experience:

Because of who I am, my concept of being connected to other human beings is distorted. People are not in my life to share myself with, but to hide from, lie to, or manipulate to get what I need. A newcomer who has just arrived at SA will continue to show these ways of relating to others at meetings and in sponsor/sponsee relationships. The beginning of the word “relationship” is the word “real,” as in REAL-ationship. A sponsee is not capable of being in a REAL-ationship with a sponsor until he or she is first shown what being real is. The sponsor/sponsee relationship is about practicing honesty—something that has not been practiced before.

The REAL-ationship grows, not because the sponsor tells the sponsee what to do, but because the sponsor is real, setting the stage for the sponsee to risk being real also. This is the way to experience healing. This also gives sponsees the opportunity to share with another human being for the first time their powerlessness over sexual obsession. Here we must be careful, because if I think I’m not as powerless as my sponsee, perhaps I’m uncomfortable seeing myself as equal with him or her. I’m more comfortable thinking of myself as a guide, leading the way to sobriety.

The REAL-ationship of sponsor and sponsee affords two people an opportunity to practice a new way of living. Here they can practice new life skills that were never a part of their lives before. These include:

• Honesty—living in the realities of who we are
• Tolerance—for another’s imperfections
• Acceptance—finding we are all equals in our powerlessness
• Empathy—relating to each other’s humanness

In being real with each other, two powerless sex addicts can walk together on a path of accepting each other, and eventually, they will learn to accept themselves. Then they can begin practicing the life-giving REAL-ationship with God they will so desperately need after looking in the mirror of sponsorship together.