How did I—a nice, self-respecting recovering alcoholic with more than 14 years of sobriety—find myself sitting in a meeting with a bunch of lowly sexaholics? After all, I had worked the Steps many times. I sponsored several men. I had never lied to my AA sponsors. I had in fact discussed my sexual acting out in detail. I was advised to keep coming back and to continue praying to God, and eventually these character defects would be removed, in God’s time. I was asked to speak at AA meetings and conventions throughout the world. I was in fact a legend in my own mind! Yet now here I was stuck in SA with these lower companions, and seriously entertaining thoughts of drinking and suicide. How could this be?

The truth was that I had been an untreated sexaholic since I was six years old, when a friend said, “Let’s play doctor.” After that I initiated the same game with other friends, as often as possible. Sexual acting out in some form would continue throughout my life.

Both of my parents were alcoholics and there was shouting, incest, and violence in my home. My mother divorced my father when I was four. I did not see him again until I was 10, and then only eight or nine times after that. Rejection and abandonment were huge issues in my teen years and into adulthood. As a teen, I was small in every aspect and the high school locker room was a place of great shame and embarrassment. Later that would drive me to take great risks to prove I was a man.

In college I discovered alcohol and it became my savior. Under its influence I learned to socialize, to dance, to become a part of, to fit in. I could be whoever I wanted to be. I had only two dates in high school, but in college—thanks to booze—I was dating every weekend. But no matter how much I drank I never felt adequate. For that reason I never tried to make sexual advances toward my dates. So masturbation became my constant companion, and my introduction to fantasies of being a sexual conquistador.

I was 22 when I had sexual intercourse for the first time. It was with a prostitute and it was a humiliating experience. But drinking took away the pain and shame, as usual. I did not perceive alcohol as a problem; it was my friend, my protector. I learned to chug beer; I could chug better than anyone on campus. I had arrived, I was a somebody. Yet beneath all of that I knew I was not a man. When I was 20 I saw my first porn film. Then I knew what a real man was and that I was not one.

In my Senior year, I got drunk one more time and a friend talked me into joining the Navy and becoming a carrier pilot. What a paradise for a drunk and a sex addict! I traveled all over Asia and drank and sexed my way through every port to prove I was a real Navy Pilot, a real man. I was 28 when I got married and 32 when my daughter was born. I am still married to the same incredible woman after 38 years! Yet that never fixed me. So I volunteered for Vietnam and flew several hundred combat missions and received numerous awards for heroism—and even that didn’t fix me. I was now a mid-grade officer. I was 32 years old, and I was being told I was on a “fast track” for promotion. What the Navy didn’t know was that my drinking was out of control.

Once I was back in the States, I stopped the sexual acting out with women but the masturbation continued. I felt this was an improvement, but my outsides and my insides were miles apart. I intuitively knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was. I was a decorated pilot and on the outside I looked terrific, but on the inside I felt separate, different, lonely, and afraid. I was suicidal and was pointing a loaded pistol at my head.

When I was 43, I took command of a jet pilot training squadron and my drinking became completely out of control. Because I was such a great performer, no one said anything. But no matter what compliments, awards, or promotions I received, I secretly felt that I did not measure up. I feared that if others learned the truth about me, I would be rejected or shamed.

During this time I obtained a Masters in Counseling and was certified as a Navy Substance Abuse Prevention Counselor. I thought this would look good in my service record, but I did not see that God’s hand was in this. I would continue drinking for two more years. I also discovered porn shops—an adrenaline rush beyond description. This obsession would take me to my lowest level of powerlessness, hopelessness, and shame. I knew something was terribly wrong but had no idea what it was.

In 1985, because of my educational background, I was assigned to lead the Navy’s Alcoholism Treatment Program. It was there that I realized I was a full-blown alcoholic. I got an AA sponsor, attended meetings, and worked the Steps, and my life changed dramatically. My alcoholism and sexaholism appeared to be solved. For almost five years I felt that my sexual acting out had stopped, but I continued to masturbate, which I thought was normal. I discussed all of my sexual hang-ups with my sponsor, and he kept saying that these things would be addressed in God’s time. But my sexual addiction began to escalate; the Internet became my new playground, and this led to a return to porn shops.

In 1999, at 12 years sober in AA, my use of porn was out of control. In December 1999, I participated in a men’s spiritual retreat, where I disclosed that I was a sex addict, was close to drinking, and was having suicidal thoughts. A fellow retreatant disclosed that he was a member of SA. He took me to my first SA meeting the following Tuesday. It was with great trepidation that I arrived and, much to my amazement, found a room filled with 47 men and women. Later I discovered they were doctors, counselors, clergy, teachers, businessmen and women, housewives, firemen, plumbers, carpenters, etc. I was home. I obtained a sponsor and started working the Steps.

However, I was educated beyond my intelligence in Twelve Step programs. In my opinion the SA community was not doing it right. After all, I already had 14 years of sobriety in AA. My arrogance kept me dry for 11 ½ months, but then I had a big fall in a porn shop. When I called my sponsor he said “Why don’t you try our program and leave your AA program at the door?”

Since coming into SA I have had several periods of sobriety: 11 months, 11 ½ months, 2 ½ years etc. In December 2006 I had another slip and came to realize that, unlike my recovery from alcohol, I had never accepted the fact that I am truly powerless over lust and sexual addiction, for the rest of my life. Not just today, not just tomorrow, but for the rest of my life. I have finally conceded to my innermost self that I am a sexaholic. As Alcoholics Anonymous says, this is the first step in recovery. Today there is only one unequivocal truth: I am a sexaholic. Denial will not change the truth.

Today I have come to a place of acceptance and have achieved an inner peace that I have never known before. My AA sponsor was right; in God’s time I would discover the truth about me. My wife and my daughter fully support me and love me as I continue my journey of truth and recovery in SA and AA. The men and women in SA are not lower companions; they are in fact my source of inspiration for recovery.

I am ever so grateful that I have a loving, gentle, compassionate, and patient God in my life who kept me sober long enough in AA so that I could find my way to SA and to healing. I have found a fellowship of men and women who speak my language, based on our common struggles and experiences—and it is here that I have finally found a home for my spirit.