Before recovery I would go to any lengths to get my way. I would lie, cheat, steal and manipulate to get what I thought I needed. I was even willing to work hard to get my desired outcome. But once I got what I wanted, I soon began to want something else. If I bought a new car, I would soon want a different one. If I had a sexual relationship with someone, I would soon want a different one. Often I would put a lot of effort into getting a certain result only to be unhappy and feel tortured by the new situation. What I thought I wanted just didn’t turn out to be as great as I had expected.

As I worked the Steps and began to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, I thought I knew what would be best for me, but I soon learned that God had other ideas. I wanted sobriety so that life would be smooth. I got withdrawal, and life was anything but smooth. Gradually, I saw some value in withdrawal, in that it made going back out less attractive and let me see more of my insanity. I wanted the lawsuits to be quickly dismissed, because, after all, I was living clean now. Instead I got two-and-a-half years of court proceedings and legal bills. Eventually I saw that this potential disaster had kept me working the program with determination instead of grabbing for the quick fix and leaving. I wanted my new business to be an instant success, but experienced a slow, hard road with many frustrations and eventual success. I learned that success comes with hard work, faith and perseverance, and I value hard earned success differently than I would value an “easy” jackpot.

All of these experiences build my character and give me more to offer the next suffering sexaholic I meet. I am learning to accept God’s will for me with equanimity and anticipation. I find that even though it doesn’t always agree with my expectations of how a gift should be wrapped, God’s will for me is always a gift. My job is to learn how to see God’s will as a gift and to be grateful.

Help me to see the value in all your gifts. Help me to remember that “pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress” (Twelve and Twelve, p. 93-94).