For many of us who are new to SA, one of the most important tools in our recovery toolbox may be compassion—for others certainly, but compassion for ourselves most of all.

Why do we need compassion? We are learning many new things about who we really are, and some of this new self-knowledge can be disturbing and difficult to absorb. After so many years believing we were in control, we find that we are powerless. We discover a Higher Power for the first time, or bring a new dimension to the spiritual life we already have. And we hear much about failings, defects, and moral shortcomings; we struggle for the courage required to admit them to ourselves and others, and begin the process of leaving them behind.

In the face of so much change, positive though it is, we may begin to hear a familiar voice inside our heads. “How can I be so screwed up?” or “I’ve really got to clean up my act or else”—in a tone that is harsh, angry, and criticizing.

Compassion means tuning out this voice, and listening to the smaller, quieter, truer voice that comes to us when we walk in the park, take a long hot shower, play with our kids, pray or meditate. It is this voice—the voice of our conscience, our wise self, our Higher Power—that helps us care for what is wounded, hurting and languishing inside ourselves. It helps us see the many fine qualities we already possess, qualities that are simply waiting for the chance to live, breathe and grow.

That harsh criticizing internal voice taught us how to use our addiction to cover up our pain and suffering. It taught us that true happiness was not possible, that the only way to really kill the pain was self-destruction. So when we decide to ignore that criticizing voice, we are leaving behind oblivion, and choosing life.

And how do we practice compassion? By congratulating ourselves on having had the courage to come this far. By acknowledging how difficult it has been and how much hard work is still ahead. By remembering our many accomplishments and our many strengths, not just our failings and shortcomings.

Most importantly, we practice compassion by realizing that we are not working so hard to change our lives just to keep from getting into really bad trouble with our sponsor, the group, or that angry drill-sergeant voice inside our heads. When we decide not to call that phone number, or cruise down that street, or visit that website, we’re doing it to save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering. We’re doing it because walking away from our old habits of lusting and sexual compulsion is one of the most loving, gentle, compassionate things we can do for ourselves: right here, right now.