In the beginning of the war, I was having another difficult night. I didn’t sleep well. I was lying (trying to sleep) in my common hall on the cold floor. Many cruise missiles were at that night over my country. After sleeping just for a few hours, I woke up and was extremely tired in the morning; realizing that somehow I survived, while other people might have some injuries or even could have died.

I remember that morning, I was triggered by almost everything: my father who came and shouted something, my stomach which was noisy like an orchestra, me—being so sleepy and exhausted. I had experienced all parts of HALT in that time. A few moments later—I relapsed. I had a thought that I’ll feel much better, I just need something to relax me and then I will feel relief. But guess what? There are no situations which relapse might make better.

I called my sponsor with teary eyes: “Bra-a-ah, it was such a difficult night. I couldn’t sleep well, I didn’t eat anything for such a long time. I was tired, I was irritated by my father and rocket strikes. EVERYTHING irritates me. I hate the world, I hate day and night, I hate this war and many other things, so that’s why I relapsed.” He listened to me patiently and said in a sober way: “Millions of people all around the world didn’t sleep well, didn’t eat enough food … somebody irritated them—but they DID NOT ACT OUT. You acted out because you are a sexaholic!”

Yes I am. This is the key motto for me, every day—again and again—”I’m a sexaholic.” That’s my Step 1. The only thing that can help me is recovery. Step 3 is about a power necessary for my entire life. Step 3 is about understanding that my Higher Power, my God, is helping me to be sober right now; helping me to rebuild my relations and my life and to get through any emotions I may experience. Even to get me much closer to Him by means of those emotions.

It’s really amazing how things go because since that time I’ve come to see that on my own, if I would like to act out, I will do it. I have no insurance for that. I’ve further realized that there is only one thing I need to remember: no matter whether the war is over there or near me, whether I have electricity in my apartment or not (it has disappeared during rocket strikes for a few hours and in some other parts of the country even for a few days); the one thing I need to remember is my ongoing recovery.

I need to work my Step 11 on a daily basis. I need to have a deep understanding of who my HP is—on Whom I can rely. It has been vital to find that Power, believe in It and rely on It. Now I know God is in charge. He is taking great care of me, much better than me. There is no way of lusting anymore. No need for that. I deserve to be happy, joyous and free. Without God, I can’t; without me, God won’t.