After finishing my Step Four harms inventory, I was very grateful to notice that each consecutive person that I dated after I got sober had fewer harms. There are still things left to work on, but my ability to have healthy relationships has improved since joining SA. I’d like to describe some of the progress that I saw in my inventory.

My first relationship while sober was a mess—many of my character defects came out in full force—but I was honest with my sponsor about lust and my physical behaviors. I bookended my dates, making calls or texts to other sober members before and after the date. I held myself accountable as to what I was actually doing and any fantasies I had about the person (sexual or otherwise) in a timely manner. I stayed sober! In my disease I hid my behavior from others and lied, rationalized, and minimized what I was doing when questioned. In recovery, I keep what I am doing out in the open, especially when it seems like lust may be starting to be a part of my actions. It is extremely important for me to be rigorously honest here and to not put off telling someone.

In my next relationship while sober, I was able to be open and honest with the person I was dating about how I felt about the relationship. This was hard because first I had to be honest with myself. I am extremely grateful to have dated someone at this point who was very honest with me and gave me an example of what that looked like. One occurrence worth noting: We had a discussion about whether to date or remain just friends, and he said something like, “When we first met I had a lot of concerns, but I think I have finally overcome all my reservations about being interested in you.” Not the protestations of undying love my ego was looking for, but a good instance of honestly stating where he was. Another time he asked if we could hold hands, and I told him I wasn’t ready. Later we had a discussion about being exclusive, and he said he needed to think it over. We had an open dialogue about our relationship. It wasn’t furtive or full of the intrigue, secret signs, and uncertainty that characterized many of my prior relationships. It was simple, peaceful, and low-energy—a wonderfully clean feeling.

Another part of being honest with how I felt is that I was able to end things in a timely manner. In my disease, it took months to break things off after I knew it wasn’t going to work. I got caught up in people-pleasing and control, trying to find the perfect moment to minimize the hurt to them. I manipulated them to see if I could get them to end things with me, so that I wouldn’t have to take responsibility. I was dishonest when spending time with them, pretending to like them while analyzing if this was the opportune moment to end things.

In recovery, I surrender my fear to God (and for me there is a lot of fear). I have the freedom to tell them things won’t work as soon as I know. I don’t have to live a lie when spending time with them. Now I can have integrity in my relationships.