Walking and Working the Steps in Prison

My name is Raphael. I am a grateful, recovering sexaholic. I have been sober by the grace of God and with the help of all you in this program of SA since April 7, 2019. I am also currently serving a 50-month sentence for actions I took as a result of my addiction to lust.

My recovery journey began with a knock on my front door. They say when opportunity comes knocking, open the door. Well, the police were the ones knocking, but if I had known I was being given the opportunity to live a life full of joy, connection, and meaning, I might have opened the door with a bit more enthusiasm.

Over the last five years of recovery in the Program, I have been the beneficiary of some incredible wisdom, much of which has come from my sponsor. However, as much as I have learned from working with a sponsor, I have learned even more by working with others by sponsoring other men in this program.

Before I came to prison, I spent two years and two months out on bond, awaiting the result of my criminal case. During that time, I soaked up as much of that Program wisdom as possible. I attended hundreds of meetings and experienced the Steps as both a sponsee and a sponsor. When the judge announced my sentence of 50 months, I had already decided that God was giving me an opportunity to carry the message of my recovery and to practice the principles of the Program in all my affairs.

Now, nearly three years later, I can definitively declare that God has delivered. I am not only sponsoring two people over the phone and the online messaging platform, but I’ve been sponsoring another person who lives here with me for the last seven months. I 12-stepped him into the Program after I learned of the nature of his charges and gauged his interest in living a life free from the obsession of lust.

But it hasn’t been easy. When is the right thing ever easy? Simple, maybe. But easy? Sponsoring a sexaholic can be difficult work anywhere. Sponsoring a sexaholic while in prison is exceptionally hard. It presents a set of challenges that makes abundantly clear that it’s really not me making the difference. It’s God.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve tried sponsoring a couple of other guys, both who admitted to unwanted sexual behaviors. I don’t know if it was me, but they both ended up punching me. I don’t like firing a sponsee, but physical violence is a deal breaker. But I was undeterred. I kept working my program, and God kept offering me opportunities.

My current sponsee and I meet twice a week. Once for a literature meeting (we’re reading through the Big Book), and once for Step work (we’re on Step Four). Finding a private space in a prison dorm environment is virtually impossible, so we try to keep our voices low when we share, and we avoid sexually explicit language.

One of my biggest personal challenges in sponsoring someone who lives in the same room as me (albeit a big room with 62 other people) is not micromanaging when I see him doing something I identify as problematic. I have learned with the help of my sponsor that just because I notice something, it’s not my job to say something. My role is to be a fair representation of the Program, and to help guide him through the Steps. Otherwise, I can quickly revert to being the actor who’s trying to run the whole show. Surrender to God is key to finding acceptance in this area.

I try to live my life without fear, but I won’t sugarcoat it: Working with others in this environment can be scary at times. But to me, there’s nothing scarier than living my life without this program of SA. To paraphrase the words of “A Vision for You,” God has shown me how to create the fellowship I so desperately crave. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been comfortable. But He keeps showing me the way, and I keep walking (and working) the Steps.

Thanks for letting me share.