My name is K. and I am a sexaholic. My story began in a small suburban town, a wealthy suburb of New York City. We were a large Christian family and my father was a Marine Corps Captain in World War II. My father grew up on the “wrong side of the tracks” and he was determined that all his children would succeed in the professional world. My mother was a perfectionist, which meant all seven children looking perfect on Sunday mornings and a spotless house. My brothers were football players and my sisters were cheerleaders. I was a mediocre athlete at best. They all excelled academically and I worked hard for my B average. As the youngest I never felt I could keep up with them—as if my family were a clique and I was not in it. Needless to say, I grew up very insecure and jealous of others.

Things began to change when I got to junior high. With boys I felt popular and smart. I began to live kind of a double life—a good Christian girl during the week and a rebellious teenager on the weekends. I found a group of partiers, a crowd I finally felt comfortable with. I went into my mode of self-destruction, trying to keep up the image of a “good girl” during the day and a “party girl” at night.

I went to a small college in Pennsylvania. There I discovered fraternity parties, began to use birth control, and led an Animal House lifestyle. Yet, I was still active in my college church group. This double life was a lot of work to keep up, but I thought this was normal behavior because everyone else I hung around with went through boyfriends year after year the same way I did. I managed to graduate and began a career. I always had a job, a car, and friends. How could I have a problem?

Working for the county in a small town, it became embarrassing to admit I had a “reputation.” My boss said this was the wrong image to project to the community, but I continued to “sleep around” and my career ended after some more humiliating incidents.

My double life started to crumble. My friends were beginning to progress in their careers and settle down with husbands and houses. I behaved poorly at a best friend’s wedding, went into a blackout, and the bride’s mother has not spoken to me since. I did not know where to turn. I had tried the Women’s movement which was popular at the time, the Charismatic movement in my local church, and all kinds of encounter groups. These attempts were helpful, but they did not address the emptiness I felt inside or my compulsive behavior.

I was very good at covering up how insecure and fearful I was. I tried everything I could think of to help myself, to improve myself. I wanted so much to be normal and, especially, to be happy. I tried going to church, going to school, going to a gym, going to the beach, drinking less, not drinking, reading self-improvement books, and taking trips. I tried nutrition, community involvement, psychiatrists, counselors, avoiding my parents, seeing my parents, being sweet and docile, or being a raging maniac. Nothing ever made me feel better for long.

In fact, most of these extreme behavior shifts exhausted me and sent me back to depression. I hated myself so much. I had reached that awful impasse of being afraid to live and afraid to die. I thought there was something intrinsically wrong with me.

In 1980, I became clean and sober in AA, Al-Anon and OA. I finally found some peace. When you are a woman. sober in AA, out of control sexual behavior is particularly humiliating. Things that go with promiscuity include lying and, again, the double life. After a while I began to believe my own lies. The people, places, and situations I had become involved with began to get worse and worse. It was only a matter of time before I would become suicidal.

After having been in the program for a long time, I began to pray that God would send me a healthy man to share my life. I was now working for a large company and I was transferred to a Western state in 1990. My future husband was also transferred there and we were married in 1992.

My disease, the acting out part, went into remission for ten years. I remained active in AA, OA and Al-Anon. I was able to sponsor women and be sponsored. Then, in 2002, my old behavior came back. The humiliation, shame, and extreme guilt came back with it. I was now a happily married woman. How could this be happening to me? I was the Sunday school teacher, alcoholic and sex addict. Finally, I attended my first SA meeting after nine months of insanity. My first meeting was a conference in a beautiful church. I arrived at the lunch break and tried to make small talk with these “people” until the first session at 1:00 p.m. There was no way I could eat anything. Later at my first Sunday night meetings, I would throw up before I could get out of the house and drive over to them by 7 p.m.

Yet, I felt I had no choice; I had to go to meetings. Fortunately, I was given a woman’s name and number right away—and I called her immediately. She has given me hope and encouragement ever since. As I celebrate nine months of sexual sobriety, I am grateful to the SA program, my home group and my Higher Power.