I recently had a major awakening about lust in my marriage. It happened one morning after a night during which I had wanted to be sexual with my wife. In the past, my desire would quickly turn to lust. I would feel as if I was about to explode if I did not have her. Sex was not optional. That night had been different. As I wrote in my journal about it the next morning, I understood why.

I wrote in my journal: “Sexual desire for my wife is a natural instinct, but lust is a perversion of that instinct.” I must be cognizant of the difference. For much of my marriage, I lusted after my wife. She would tell me that she did not feel that I was there for her and that she felt like a sex object. I had no idea what she meant and she had no idea that I was living a double life. I was out of control. Lust consumed love.

For me, lust is about taking control and possessing someone or something. It is self-centered. It cares for no one. Lust is insatiable. There can be no true joy or pleasure in lust. It destroys everything it touches including its bearer. That is why it has no place in a marriage. Lust is about taking. Love is about giving and receiving.

Living in lust, I was living a self-centered life. Everything was about my wants. There was no room in my life for relationship. No room for receiving joy through satisfying another’s needs. No room for empathy. No room for supporting my partner. My wife’s intuition was correct. I was not there for her and she was being used.

That morning, as I wrote in my journal, I felt a great sadness over the state of lust I had been in for so many years of my marriage. I also felt a great joy that, in my SA sobriety, the veil of darkness was being lifted from me. Today, my sexual desire for her is a natural offspring of my love for her. I can be with her while being sensitive to her needs. My satisfaction comes from my connection to her in our love for each other. I am totally present in the moment, consumed by an intensive feeling of love. My joy comes from giving and receiving love. It is much more than a physical act. It is a spiritual act. Sex without love is lust. Sex is indeed optional. It is love that is not optional. It is the Real Connection. I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks that morning. Tears of Happiness!