I had to face the fact that in my marriage I didn’t know what intimacy without sex looked like. I was always seeking to create intimacy so I could get my wife to have sex with me. Just like I did with the girlfriends that preceded her. Our sexual encounters usually came out of the “connect with me and make me whole” syndrome. They created a false intimacy that soon evaporated, often leaving exposed the underlying emotions that made us feel like we had to be sexual with one another in the first place. And I was usually left with a craving for more….

This is why I began to look for progressive victory over lust in my marriage. I wanted to learn how to relate to my wife as a friend and partner-in-life. I chose to practice abstinence because of what I hoped it would do for me. My wife gave me the space to do this—reluctantly at first. I really didn’t give her the option. Even back then I sensed that as long as I was depending on her to fill my sexual needs, I was not going to find the kind of sobriety I needed and wanted. My wife could never fill the sexual void that had driven me to look for satisfaction outside the marriage.

After two years of abstinence, my wife and I went away for a long weekend and had plenty of sex. I got really high on the pleasure of it all. I figured this was okay because it was with my wife. And it seemed like we ought to celebrate such a long dry spell. But I came away from the holiday wondering how often we could have this sort of encounter again without my losing my sobriety?

My wife commented that in only a month’s time we could be sexual with one another again because the kids would be staying with friends. This raised my expectations of another encounter. I marked the weekend on the calendar in my mind and began ticking off the days—one by one. When the night finally arrived, we got into a disagreement over dinner. Sex was the last thing on her mind and the only thing on mine! I was so angry when she rebuffed my attempts to initiate contact that I couldn’t sleep. She owed me sex. She’d promised. I tossed and turned all night.

I felt like a little boy whose Mama had pulled the chocolate chip cookie right out of his hand when he was about to take a big bite. The next day I gave my wife the “silent, withdrawn, I’m-really-angry-at-you” treatment. I realized I couldn’t go on living like this. If this was sobriety, I had to find something better! Or it wouldn’t last.

As a married sexaholic, I found I could still get my fix “legitimately.” Once I decided to start giving up lust in my marriage by practicing prolonged periods of abstinence, I went through similar withdrawals to those I experienced when I stopped masturbating. I found myself craving sex with my wife, making suggestive comments, being physically affectionate with the hope she would respond sexually, and doing things that would make her happy in the hopes that sex would be my reward.

I consulted with some members who were further down the road of recovery from lust in their marriages and found that some of them were letting their wives take the initiative with regard to sex. Now that was a threatening thought! But the more I pondered it, the more sense it made. It was another way of surrendering to my Higher Power and giving up my attempt to control my wife.

Several years later, after more prolonged periods of sexual abstinence, my wife suggested we might have sex one night if I came home from my SA meeting early. Fortunately, by now, I had learned that if I allowed myself to have any expectations of sex and they went unfulfilled, I was asking for trouble. So I thought, “I’m not coming home from my meeting early. I’ll go to fellowship and then come home. If she wants sex when I get home, fine. But if not, I’m not going to build up any self-centered expectations.”

When I arrived home from my meeting, my wife apologized for leading me to believe that we might have sex and said she was too tired and wanted to call it a night. I was able to reply honestly that I was okay with that. What a contrast to the previous incident where I had spent the whole night and the following day consumed by resentment fueled by my thwarted lustful desires! I was finally learning that I needed God more than sex and freedom, more than pleasure in my marriage.

Now the initiative to practice abstinence in our marriage started to come from my wife. At one point she said to me, “You know there are a lot of ways we can express physical intimacy towards one another without it leading to sex.” I thought, “Oh really?!” In my sexaholic mind, I tended to sexualize all physical expressions of intimacy.

I began to accept that I was captive to the pleasure I got from sex in our marriage. I could see that our sexual involvement with one another often did not have that much to do with genuine intimacy. There was nothing wrong with the pleasure our sexual relations gave me. The problem lay in my inability to take it or leave it. Once I said “yes” to sex, even after being sexually abstinent for prolonged periods, I had to have it. I craved it. I was compulsive. I had to do it more than once. More than twice. More than three times…until the time or energy ran out. I depended on my wife to set any limit. Was this progressive victory over lust? I decided it wasn’t, so I kept returning to sexual abstinence to break the lust cycle that was stunting the growth of our marriage.

Once I realized my wife had given up any timetable for sex, I had to ask myself honestly whether or not I even wanted to be married to her. At first the answer was a clear “no.” What was the point?! Over time the answer became a conditional “yes.” And now the answer is a positive “yes.” My wife is now sure that I love her whether or not she has sex with me. I am no longer thinking about how long it has been since we had sex or begrudging her the time that has gone by, nor am I wasting time wondering if and when it will happen again.

My wife and I both like the freedom that not using sex as a coping and dependency mechanism has given us. Our extended periods of sexual abstinence have made space for much needed growth in our marriage. It’s amazing how much energy and love we have to pour into other relationships and activities now that that energy and love isn’t being consumed by self-centered sex between us.

I am learning that physical intimacy that is centered in God’s love doesn’t create the same craving for more that lust does. I know I can live without sex and be happy in my marriage. So does my wife. When we kiss one another, or she puts her hand on my leg when I’m driving in the car, or she affectionately touches me as she passes me by in the kitchen, or we give one another a fervent full-body embrace, I know my wife is not thinking she wants to go to bed with me. She’s just saying, “I love you.”

Recently we went on vacation for five days without the kids and did not have sex. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Previously, we always took advantage of a break like that to have sex—unless we got upset with one another. It felt so healthy to be able to pass it up this time around. It was as if we were finally getting some maturity in our marriage relationship. We had such a good week together working on various projects, going on walks, playing games, sitting by the fire, talking, and expressing physical affection without sexualizing it.

I like the road I’m on in my marriage—it’s not easy but it’s good. I like my increasing freedom from the tyranny of lust and the growing intimacy I’m experiencing with my wife. We are on a journey together. We know there will always be new insights to gain about the mysteries of being separate individuals joined together in a covenant of marriage made by God.

This Christmas my wife gave me a magnet that is now up above my desk along with her picture. It reads: “Grow old with me…the best is yet to come.” That’s exactly what I plan to do, for I believe she is right.