It’s hard for me to talk about the benefits of maintaining sexual sobriety. But I can compare it to some things in the natural world.

I think something happens in sexual sobriety. Not acting out compares to a farmer letting a field lie fallow. Slowly, over time, a person’s natural energy builds up, in a deep way, enhancing the richness of physical, mental, creative and spiritual health. It is this richness I am seeking in maintaining sexual sobriety.

Another comparison is to a flame. A flame needs limits if it is to burn well. If the boundaries surrounding the flame are too close, the flame will be snuffed out. If, on the other hand, they are too distant, gusts of wind can blow it out. If the boundaries are just right, the flame burns brightly. I think the same thing happens with sexual sobriety.

The boundaries for sobriety cannot be just any boundaries. They have to be the right ones. And they have to be adjusted over time. I tried to maintain sexual sobriety, at one time, by avoiding people, by not having interactions with anyone, except one or two people. Although I didn’t act out with others, I did act out with myself, physically as well as mentally. My almost total isolation was not a safeguard against lust.

At another extreme, I engaged in sex, willy-nilly, without any boundaries. This was like a flame open to constant gusts of wind. It was impossible to keep a steady sobriety with my lack of boundaries.

I’ve found that I need to adjust my boundaries at times, to keep the flame steady. For example, if I’ve had an important loss, or if I’m ill, I need to be cautious about being around people who may be a trigger for me and more cautious about whom I hug. If I have been relatively free of lust, and have people in my life with whom I can talk openly, then I can begin to expand my boundaries. For example, perhaps meet someone new or explore a new sober setting or interest.

Over the long term, there’s a lot more benefit to sexual sobriety than simply avoiding the pain of lust. A richness can grow within, in body, mind and spirit. I don’t have names for these qualities, but I have seen them in others, and felt some in myself. The future holds promise of more to be revealed.