Originally published in ESSAY, June 1994

Need: Often a sponsee will have a problem that does not readily yield to the sponsor’s efforts or that is outside his or her knowledge or recovery experience or ability to deal with it. In such cases, there can be great wisdom and breakthrough by bringing the issue to a small, select group of trusted members, together, under God.

Example: A woman several years sober realizes she still cannot forgive the men who perpetrated wrongs upon her. In this case it was suggested that the woman write a Step 8-1/2 inventory (see page 125 in Sexaholics Anonymous) on her unforgiveness. This is patterned after the Fourth Step inventory, including the added column “What does this tell me about myself?” The woman wrote on each person or incident: what happened, how her unforgiveness expressed itself within her, and what this tells her about herself and her own spiritual condition and attitude today. The focus was on her response to the wrongs, responses both within her and in her behavior, not on those who wronged her. She wrote it out and called some members to hear and offer feedback. They began with prayer for guidance and courage. She read her inventory all the way through. (Had it gotten off track, the members could have intervened, if appropriate.) When she was through reading it, they prayed again, and one by one the members told what they heard her saying.

We do not criticize or pass judgment or give advice. We simply play back what we hear, what comes through between the lines. We do not take responsibility for the other person’s life or decisions. We are simply a sounding board. We speak as we would be spoken to.

Example: A member who is a minister has been sexually involved with members of his congregation and calls a check meeting for guidance on how to make amends to these persons. It’s very touchy because this might injure others. The man’s sponsor suggests a check meeting.

Example: A member is stuck in her career/education and seeks a broader range of input and wisdom than her sponsor is able to offer.

Other Examples: A member can’t get or remain sober or is a habitual slipper. A member discovers he’s over his head in debt and doesn’t know what to do. Another member doesn’t know how to cope with his wife’s response to his decision to go into total sexual abstinence. His sponsor is single and has never had to face that problem. Other members seek help with tough problems such as fear, wet dreams, dating . . .

Sometimes the person needs to write on something that surfaces during the check meeting that had little direct connection with the original topic. “Back to the drawing board!”