I was born into a large extended family in eastern Canada. My father held down two jobs and operated a mixed farm with his father. My mother was young and overwhelmed with responsibility. When my father was home I would try to talk to him and do things with him but I had little or no success. I realize today he was trying to recapture some much needed sleep. My mother, grandmother and aunts looked after the infants and children. My father soon began to rely on my uncle and older brother for help. They were given much responsibility around the farm. I often felt angry and resentful towards them as they became adept in operating the tractors and other farm equipment. The self-pity grew as I rejected their invitations to play hockey and ball.

I started to isolate to the living room and watch TV. My mother called me a TV hawk. When I was about 10 my father seemed to have more time on his hands and he would ask me to play catch with him. I would decline his request because I wanted to hurt him and reject him as I felt rejection by him. I also felt inadequate. I felt intimidated by the guys in my hometown. I just didn’t measure up to them. I felt inept in performing some key sports although I excelled in others. I feared being put into a position where I would humiliate myself, especially when it came to knowledge about sex. For years I cringed when someone told an off-color joke or used a slang term about sex for fear they would discover my ignorance. I never felt worthy that a girl would be attracted to me. Confident, mature girls scared me, despite my desire to be friends with them or at least be in their company. I could never think of something to say. My mind just went blank. At this young age I was alone, inadequate and afraid.

We had many relatives visit and stay with us. On several occasions a few older cousins and a neighbor touched and fondled me sexually between the ages of 5 and 10. Although I can’t recall being bothered by these experiences, I knew to keep them secret and they were the start of boundaries being broken. At 13, I was sleeping with a male cousin when he touched me in the groin area. This time I felt the excitement of lust as I waited for him to touch me again. When he did I responded and had a sexual encounter with him. Right after that experience, I was an active sexaholic looking for a fix. I was truly powerless over the plan my addiction had for me.

My lust fix became my primary focus. Even when I was with others, I was taking in lust looks or planning ways of acting out. I was lost inside myself, keeping the lust a secret and keeping a distance from those I loved. Even if my father did start to shower me with love and attention, I would go for the fix because the damage was done — I was a sexaholic.

In my search for the lust connection, the reality of right or wrong got lost. Lines and boundaries got crossed and broken. I started acting out with the animals on the farm. In keeping the lust alive, I made obscene phone calls in search of connections. I started peeping late at night at some hotels. Eventually I got caught by the police and was firmly warned not to peep again. Within a week I was back peeping in hotel windows. At 18, I had no choice but to leave.

I left for another province to get away from the farm and from the peeping. I began falling behind in my grades at the new university and within a couple of years I dropped out. My double life became even more evident. I tried to show a normal lifestyle of friends and common interests and then go in secret where I acted out with masturbation, pornography, anonymous sex, sexual encounters in public places, frequenting bathhouses, cruising the streets, voyeurism and fantasy. By now I was boozing and using drugs. I knew I could get money, drugs or friendship by doing sexual favors for others.

Several years went by and my drive to make the lust connection continued. It got worse despite my efforts to find out why my life was out of control, going nowhere, miserable and depressed. In the back of my mind I always pictured myself settled down in a comfortable home with a loving wife, children and a successful job. If truth were known I was incapable of having a relationship.

A friend of my youth got in contact with me and helped me see my alcoholism. I’m still amazed at this revelation. What a gift! At 24, I was anxious to start my new life. I was sure if I got clean and sober, my dreams would be fulfilled. Within a year I had a girlfriend, I went back to university and I had a good part time job. However, the double life prevailed. Despite the positive appearance, my life was overwhelmed trying to maintain the facade. I would get a real scare whenever I contracted a STD or body lice, which goes with a promiscuous lifestyle. The pressures of deadlines, working and having a girlfriend were taking its toll. I was very relieved to have university over and behind me.

My girlfriend and I decided to get married and we both had hopes for a wonderful marriage together. I was so much in denial and fear that I was incapable of being honest. I did not want to see or accept my behaviors and how they could affect someone else. The following year we had our first child. On the surface everything seemed okay but I was still lusting and looking for the big fix. After I acted out I felt ashamed and disgusted and swore that time would be the last. I had been saying that to myself for years but I didn’t recognize the famous last words of an addict.

The depressions were getting worse. I would come home from work and flop on the couch with little or no energy. My gut feeling was that I could no longer maintain the pretense. My wife was expecting our second child and I was dying inside. My wife was devastated for she realized her dreams for a happy marriage were not going to be fulfilled. She was married to a sexaholic. I remember my desperate plea to God for help. I hit bottom and I was willing to do anything to get out of my situation, including suicide. It wasn’t long before I read the Dear Abby column in May 1989 and for the first time I got a glimpse of the problem. I identified with the message and quickly contacted SA Central Office.

They sent me SA literature and told me I wasn’t alone and there was a solution. The SA meeting was truly a safe haven. Eventually I started to bring the inside out and told the SA members I was married and my acting out thinking and behavior was with the same sex. I deceived my wife into marriage and now my marriage was falling apart. I wanted at last to get honest with my wife and with myself. My concern over my acting out behaviors or of having an orientation subsided as SA members told me that sex was optional. This was fantastic news and I believed them. The problem had to do with lust and if I didn’t lust and if I stayed sober the relationship with my wife would improve and more answers would come. It made sense to me. I was excited and grateful to God for this gift. It was like a second chance at life and I wanted to make amends to my wife and for the past.

Of course at this time we were a very small SA group. We needed each other and if two couldn’t go to the meeting, there was a good chance I would be there alone with my Higher Power. I feared lust and was active in keeping in contact with my sponsor, going to meetings and trying to work the SA program. Things seemed to be going relatively well with my family and me. I was sober for about five years when my wife went through a terrible personal ordeal. Her boss, who was a father figure, betrayed her. She naturally went to me for support. Rather than comfort her I wanted to run from it. Throughout the next several days I would escape from what was happening by going into fantasy and getting lust hits by looking and gawking. This was the beginning of me going in and out of lust mode. The next several months I would go to meetings and share, discuss the situation with my sponsor, and surrender to my Higher Power. Before long I was white knuckling sobriety and wanting to be off the wagon.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was one business trip when I was alone in a hotel. That first night I had a desperate fight of willpower. I was losing ground trying to hold on to my sobriety when I finally got on my knees and cried out for help to my Higher Power. I admitted I was a lustaholic and asked if He would get me through the temptations and help me to stay sober. When I woke up the next day I was free from the lust obsession and I was anxious to get back to the group and the SA program.

Lust being baffling, cunning, powerful and patient had a new meaning for me. Likewise the progressiveness of this disease was obvious and I knew I never wanted to go back to the old thinking and behaviors. I was disappointed in myself that I could not comfort my wife in her time of need. It seemed I had not grown emotionally since I came into the program. Instead I chose to run to my addiction and escape from her pain. However, I was happy to be back on the road of recovery and this time I wanted to really work the Steps, mature and not hide behind my sobriety date.

Recovery meant working a daily program and not a weekly program. Going to meetings on a consistent basis, being a part of the group through service work, going to conferences and being available for sponsorship keep me connected to the Fellowship. Likewise equal work and effort goes into maintaining a conscious contact with my Higher Power. Daily prayer and meditation, participating in my church, reading scripture, SA literature and other good books, are things I do on a daily and regular basis to help stay in tune with the God of my understanding. By practicing the Steps in all my affairs, I incorporate the program into my daily life. I am sure I learn more from my failures than I do from my victories. Within the last two days I had to make direct amends to my wife, my oldest daughter and one of my sisters. In each case I had to go to each of them and say I was wrong and that I was sorry for what I’d done. When I do this, it restores my relationship with them. It also restores my relationship with my Higher Power, and once again I’m a free man. It’s this type of freedom that helps keep me clean and sober.

In doing Steps Four, Five and Six I finally saw my role in becoming a sexaholic. Over the years and into adulthood I held on to my childish ways. It’s time to set them aside and become a responsible man. A responsible person doesn’t fall into self-pity if things don’t go their way. Through God’s help and bringing the inside out, I try to surrender the temptation to go into resentment and blaming, self-pity, fear of failure or dreams of winning a lottery. Responsible, mature fathers learn how to save and spend money properly for the benefit of the family rather than rely on pipedreams.

Again in Step Eight I saw how I harmed and contributed to the poor relationships with family members due to years of isolation with lust, resentment and self-pity. Today I try to take the actions of love to improve relations with others, especially my father, who I probably hurt the most. The measure we give is truly the measure we get back.

Without sobriety I would not have the quality of life I have today. I would never know what I was missing or what is yet to come. SA has given me the direction and hope to stay sober today and I am very grateful. I am not only a part of this wonderful program but I am very much in the lives of my wife, our four children and the community.