I was plagued all my life by low self-esteem.

Working my Fourth and Fifth Steps I realized my low self-esteem came from my ego, that is, from the same character defects I was identifying and acknowledging and becoming willing to surrender in recovery. My pride and self-centeredness were deeply involved.

My pride: I had spent my whole life setting impossible goals for myself and not achieving them or avoiding responsibilities in order not to fail or not to be seen as a failure by others. I was terrified of being criticized or rejected.

My self-centeredness: I compared what I saw inside myself, or what I thought I saw, with the exterior of others. My self-centeredness prevented me from seeing the reality of others — even from just seeing the others. I lived inside myself in a fantasy world of my own creation. The ego-deflating process of working the Steps gave me enough humility to stay sober, gain progressive victory over lust and give me a degree of peace and serenity I had never thought possible for a guy who spent his life either depressed or drunk on euphoria.

I can see today that for me, my low self-esteem was closely related to my lack of humility. Humility for me is the solution. The AA Twelve and Twelve says that humility, or at least some degree of it, is necessary to stay sober (p. 70), and that it is a healer of pain (p. 75).

When I am humble and I surrender my character defects, I don’t compare myself with others. I don’t feel either more or less. I can accept both my limits and assets. When I am humble I feel comfortable with other people. And I can develop a good relationship with God. Being powerless over my ego and my character defects, I need a Higher Power strong enough to take on Himself the burden of my wrongs and my lust. Intellectual knowledge, a better philosophy, self-will, etc., don’t work for me. Asking God in desperation and surrender do.

The humbler I am, the stronger my recovery gets. The more I take credit for my own recovery, the worse my recovery gets, and the less I like myself. It’s paradoxical. The humbler I am, and the more I give to others, the more self-esteem I have.

“Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles” (AA Big Book, p. 62). And it has always been the root of my self-esteem, too.