About a year ago I worked the Twelve Steps with my sponsor. I thought I was doing fine even though my sponsor left town. Then I noticed problems developing in my relationship. My wife noticed it too. She said, “Things were going better when you were working the Steps.” So I decided to do another Fourth Step focused on my relationship. I got a new sponsor to work with me. Here are the defects and fears I identified, followed by the way I have put what I’ve learned from this Step into practice in my life.

Self-Centered Conversation

I don’t understand the art of conversation — the dance, the give-and-take. First give out something, then pause for the response, the other’s contribution. Take it in, in a relaxed, open way without needing to pounce, to correct, to comment, to give a “relevant” example from my experience. This is a major problem in my communication with my wife — that I see most things she says as having something to do with me. It is especially confusing when she is talking about her reactions to me, but I must somehow let go of the defense and allow her the space. The purpose of our talking is not primarily to discuss my problems, but for her to feel heard. When she feels heard, then there is a good back-and-forth and my needs are met also. But I seem to be deaf to the cues. I get on a roll and she is not there — only my own concerns. She will say something about herself and I will see it as an expression of empathy, which is true. But it doesn’t stop there. I need to catch the signal that now she wants to talk, and not fear that I won’t have another chance. The fear involved has something to do with fear of being annihilated — the feeling is actually one of suffocating. The thing to do is to stay focused on powerlessness and gratitude — Thy will (that is, love), not mine (which is isolation).

Aggressive Conversation

This happens when we are discussing some external arrangement and I have a definite opinion. My wife will offer a different point of view or idea and I will run right over it with reasoning, justification, or overt discounting and an expression of contempt. This is the intense form of self-centered conversation where any input from others, especially my wife, is construed as an attack and defense is the number one priority. It is the fear of space, the fear of making a mistake or being wrong, the fear of being taken over by another and thus becoming totally impotent and dependent.

Here it is important to focus on her intention — which is to be heard, to share, to brainstorm, and most of all, to communicate in a loving way. It always returns to that if I surrender control. I am powerless over my wife — if I give up trying to control her and the conversation, the outcome is always positive.

Urgency

Perhaps the deepest and most pervasive defect, it drives everyone around me crazy: having to be early, not just on time; having to have things done in a certain way; rushing, rushing others, getting frantic over a letter or piece of e-mail and making a huge deal of responding faster than possible. It’s an expression of the free-floating anxiety that bubbles up frequently with real or imagined stimulus — in this way it is like lust, though lust is partly a great distraction from this.

The deep-seated fear of life, of being wrong, of being attacked, discounted, invalidated, annihilated for the slightest misstep. And the compulsion to be better, faster, smarter, to control, direct, explain, and thereby prove my competence, which I don’t believe in, which I fear exposing. To hide, to protect, to ward off life because of fear of death. The choice to die rather than live because of fear of death. Maybe not so much death itself as the process of being destroyed — fear of the pain of being annihilated more than the end result of annihilation. I am just now beginning to see that urgency and anxiety are also addictions, that it is possible to admit powerlessness over them and turn them over to God. Surrendering does not mean I won’t act, but it offers the possibility of action with clarity rather than negativity.

The Bumstead Phenomenon

Spacing out, dumbing myself down. Not hearing what my family says, or not understanding it. Bumbling around, taking a roundabout way of driving someplace. Slurring my words and nearly falling asleep as I read aloud to the family in the evening. Unable to concentrate, especially when talking with my wife. It is a way of escape — and very tricky, as it genuinely seems like a physical phenomenon over which I do not have direct control. I will try admitting powerlessness over this and praying for it to be taken away so that I can go on with my life and relationships. I like what one member said in a meeting recently, “I ask God to take care of it for me so I can take care of my life.”

Resentment

Resentment in general, but especially toward my family. They are too slow or do things in inefficient and nonsensical ways. And they are always making demands on me. A lot of my time is spent warding them off. I assume an attitude of superiority and bestow condescending looks for the most innocent and genuine inquiries. I make it clear to them that what I am doing is more important than they are and that I do not want to be bothered. Resenting the slightest inconvenience or difficulty as an affront if not an outright attack or conspiracy against my peace of mind. Resentment about not having enough time. Everybody and everything is an obstacle to my well-being — and if only they would all go away, everything would be okay and I would finally be able to handle “life.”

Again, the fear is of being taken over and sucked dry. And again the solution can only be to admit powerlessness and turn it over. Here it is especially helpful to stay aware of what I have been given and to dwell in gratitude.

Escape Fantasies

When having a difficult time I dream of escape. When having an intense and difficult discussion with my wife, I think about being alone. I’ll get my own place and find people to take care of my sexual needs and all my other needs without making all these demands on me. I’ll have my fortress where I can write music and get involved with performers, and keep it all on a professional level. Sex will be just sex and not involve any commitment. I’ll go to the gay resorts, I’ll spend time at a nudist colony. Nothing is worth the pain I’m going through in this relationship. Fear of being exposed emotionally makes me want to hide out in physical exposure. I can’t handle these fantasies — they’re too powerful and draw me in too quickly and deeply. I’m powerless over them — the key is remembering this as they arise and surrendering my right to escape. I’m holding on very tightly to this “right” — the fear is very strong. I am powerless over the fear. I need to surrender the fear as well!

My Current Design for Living

At the suggestion of my sponsor, I came up with keywords for each of these defects. Then I made an acronym for each one, to make it more difficult to forget each one. Each day during my morning meditation, I focus in turn on each defect with this three-step process:

• 1) Acknowledge powerlessness over the defect. The beauty of powerlessness is that by acknowledging it I am released from blame. Thoughts, emotions, sensations arise all the time. Pleasant, unpleasant, virtuous, perverse. There’s no way to control this arising just as there is no way to control the wind or the rain.

• 2) Recognize that I can’t handle the thought or behavior, even a little bit. The idea that I can do anything with the thoughts or sensations, that I can control them, master them, use them, enjoy them, destroy them, is grandiose. Not only can’t I do anything with them, I don’t need to do anything about them.

• 3) Ask God to take care of it for me so I can stay present and take care of my life. This is the relief I have always wanted. What He does with them is His business. Maybe He will take care of them so they’re there when I need them (if I ever do). I don’t need to destroy them or fight with them because He will take care of them if I just allow Him to. Then I can attend to what is needed right here and right now in the relationship or situation before me.

I try to spend enough time on each defect to actually feel my own powerlessness. I also do this with any other defects that may arise. If I am having a particularly strong emotion it may take some time on each of the three steps.

The unexpected bonus from doing this during my meditation session on a regular basis is that I can sometimes invoke the process during the day when self-centeredness and defects arise. It’s not so verbal in this case. It’s as though when I recognize the defect, it rises up and through me and into the waiting hands of God. Then I can go on with what I need to do.