My name is Dave and I’m a sexaholic. In discussing Working Paper #1 (“Practical Guidelines for Group Recovery”) with my group and with other sober members, I kept coming back to the most positive experience in my early sobriety, which represents for me a model of what a group should be. I would like to share it with the fellowship. I believe this was a gift directly from God to me.

To give you a little background, I went to Cleveland in October of 1985, at their invitation, to attend an SA Marathon meeting. It was my first marathon and I was a little over two months sober after having a slip. The marathon consisted of four lead meetings. It was the first time I had ever heard the term “lead” and I didn’t know what that was. I found out very soon as I heard Tom give his lead. He spoke for almost an hour from the heart with a gut-level honesty the likes of which I had never heard before. He simply told his story in the form of what it was like, what happened, and what it was like now. There was no doubt that God was extremely important in his recovery. There was no doubt of the love and excitement he had for God, the program of SA and its Twelve Steps. Tom’s lead was followed by comments from the floor. As each person stood out of respect for SA and the Lead, I heard more of the heart-felt, gut-level honesty Tom had. The joy of recovery rang out and if there was any doubt that SA was my home, it was eradicated. I wanted what they had so badly, I was bound and determined to do whatever it took. I truly felt like I was shot into recovery as if from a cannon. The SA who came with me felt the same way and while driving back to Rochester, we couldn’t stop talking about all we had heard and seen. Our excitement carried us through the four-and-a-half-hour trip as though it was only an hour. I later found out that giving a lead is the way a great many of the AA meetings are in Cleveland—a format that goes way back. The format was only new to me. I shall never forget that experience. From that day on I could never get enough… (It sounds a little like how lust used to be in my life.)

Back home, on the bulletin board of the AA rehab where SA used to meet, there was a flyer advertising a new AA meeting called Newburgh, which described itself as a lead meeting. My excitement rose because I knew what that was, and it was the only one of its kind in the Rochester area. I couldn’t wait to go there. It met on Thursdays at 8:30 p.m. and ended around 10:00. It was the same length as our SA meeting.

I will try to describe what I saw there. First, as I entered the door of the large church hall (filled with blue smoke) my hand was shaken by about a dozen people, all of whom told me their name and wanted to know mine. Mind you, I am not an alcoholic but I felt so welcomed there I cannot describe the feeling. I found out that they were all home group members and arrived there an hour early to set up and get ready for the meeting. By the time I got there, the coffee was made, chairs were set up, the lead table was all ready and I noticed small groups of people in twos and threes scattered round. Almost all of the members of these groups had a copy of the AA Big Book in hand and it appeared as though some of the conversations were a little intense as they pointed to passages in their Big Books. I found out later they were helping each other one or two on one and I never saw any of these gatherings without an AA Big Book close by. Sponsorship was a must, and it was men for men and women for women.

Something really got my attention. I began to notice how the people in the home group were dressed—men with jackets and ties, women with fresh dresses. This was a carry back to the early days of AA in Akron and Cleveland where the men wore sober suits and the ladies wore fresh dresses. But the thing that really blew my mind was that the home group members were very young, averaging about 20 or 21 years of age. They were very serious about recovery and not afraid to mention and talk about God. They also adhered to AA’s singleness of purpose. This meant that you could only be a member of the home group if you were an alcoholic but everyone was welcome to the open meeting. I respected that and did not comment on the lead but was able to soak up all the recovery that filled the room during the meeting.

The meeting format was exactly the same as Tom’s lead in Cleveland (even to the 50/50 raffle) and each lead I heard had a wonderful, strong sober message. I found out they would only invite people to lead who had such a message, and with a minimum of one year of sobriety. The money they made from the raffle went to buy Big Books by the case, and they gave the books away to anyone who needed one and could not afford to pay, especially to those in prisons and rehabs.

When the formal part of the meetings ended, people stayed and talked. They were not in a hurry to run out and those little groups appeared again here and there. When all was cleaned up and swept, most of the home group members went out for coffee. If someone was having a problem, they would bring him/her along to the restaurant and, with Big Books in hand, would work with them trying to help find the point of unsurrender.

If home group members did not show up for a meeting, they would be confronted and asked to be responsible to do their job. If they were missing for a time, a group would go and search them out, even at their home if necessary, because of their concern and love for them.

I went every week. I would not miss the Newburgh meeting for the world. Although I could not become an official member, I got there early and helped set up. I stayed late and talked with them, helped tear down and went out with them for coffee. I made and decorated cakes for their anniversary meetings and went to their anniversary dinner every year where they had an open podium for anyone to speak (and I did). I wanted what they had and they gave it to me. I wanted to give something back in some way and they let me. If I missed a meeting, someone noticed and mentioned that they missed me. They even told me they would come to my house too if I got off the beaten path or lost my sexual sobriety (I told them I was a sexaholic). I felt their unconditional love.

I bought my Big Book and read the first hundred and sixty-four pages, two per day, as they recommended. They invited me to go with them on a Men’s Spiritual Weekend to Conesus Lake. There each attendee got a turn to sit on the “hot seat” and presented two character defects which were bothersome. Since they knew each other so well, if they didn’t like the defects you selected, they would pick two and proceed to show how these defects manifested themselves and how they hurt others. Again, with Big Book in hand they collectively presented the solution. After that you could present one character asset and they proceeded to affirm how that asset showed itself in your life and how much God loved you.

I didn’t think they knew me very well since I was more than twice their age and also a sexaholic, but I was wrong. When my turn came, they saw right through me and took my inventory well, asset and all. On Sunday morning, Third Step Andy, as he was called, asked me if I wanted to take my Third Step by the Big Book. Andy S. was only 16 years old. I went with him to the lake shore and after reading passages from Chapter 5, he told me to read the Third Step Prayer silently and to think about making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. If I decided to do so, he asked me to kneel down with him and say the prayer aloud. As I did that, he did too, and the tears were streaming down my face.

I could write much more about this experience than space allows. I just can’t figure how these young kids got all this love and wisdom to share. They simply hadn’t lived long enough, in my opinion. I took several SA people to this meeting the night before the 1988 Rochester SA International Convention began and, like me, what they saw and heard was hard to believe and wonderfully sober.

It is my belief that the strength of the Newburgh Group came from the commitment of its members to the program of AA, the love and caring that resulted for its members, the excitement about God and the generosity with their time, most of which happened outside the meeting. With this kind of attitude, the meetings had to be strong and sobriety was the rule, not the exception. The meetings spoke clearly of the need of God and the 12 Steps according to the Big Book to stay sober. Testimony of the lead and comments afterward gave validity to the unfailing power of the AA program to those who were willing to work for it. I can’t help but think that SA could benefit from this powerful example.

I bring the rich Newburgh experience to my SA home group. Some members are attracted to it, while others seem to be afraid of the commitment and the changes needed to get it. I can only speak for myself. I came to SA with nothing but a history of lust and acting out. Anything I have now I received from another drunk who spent his time with me. He got it from another who got it from another, etc., all the way back to the humble beginnings of SA in Simi Valley and the original Newburgh meeting in Newburgh Heights, Cleveland (which has been meeting now for close to 40 years and which supported the Rochester Newburgh in its infancy). All I’m asked to do is to give, give, give, as others gave to me. The promise is that I will stay sober and receive riches beyond my wildest dreams. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for this precious sober experience and for the privilege of being able to pass it on.