I would like to share a story with the members of this program—some I know, some I will meet and some I may never meet, but I share a common bond with each one of you. We are sexaholics and we care about each other’s sobriety.

My sexual addiction started with an incestuous relationship with my mother around the age of six. I became addicted to compulsive masturbation, pornography, voyeurism, fantasy sex and adultery, all fueled by lust, alcohol, drugs and anger. I came to this program about to lose everything—my wife, children, home, and I even thought about ending this pain and shame and ending my life. I hadn’t realized that this addiction had been killing me for years, only slowly. It killed my ability to be a husband and father or even a friend. I could not continue like that. I started to come to meetings, thanks to a member who 12th-Stepped me, and for this I will never be sufficiently grateful.

I accepted the sobriety definition in SA and withdrew from my addiction. I found a relationship with God I never thought possible and with the help of God as my Higher Power and the program and fellowship of SA, I have been sober for two years and seven months. I even tried to start a meeting in my area. After 38 years of living with the lust addiction and finally finding a way out of the black pit my lust kept trying to drown me in, anyone would think this would be enough to keep me moving in the right direction, but we addicts know “enough is never enough.”

I started trying to test the presence of my Higher Power. I wanted a sign or I couldn’t or wouldn’t believe God was guiding my life. I lost track of the life I now have. A life where I haven’t acted out in 31 months, a life where my wife loves me and supports my recovery, my children still love me, and I have friends in SA that care about me and accept me as I am today.

Well, I went to meetings and whined about my Higher Power misconnection for weeks, and then my mother died. I was filled with emotions that were hurting my heart. Sorrow, shame, guilt and even anger at myself for not having been a better son. I felt a hole open inside me that was screaming to be filled. I have felt this before and I have used sex, drugs, alcohol, food or some other medication I thought would fix it, but they didn’t. I think this was when I got scared and my powerlessness was obvious to me. I hit my knees and asked God to forgive my mother, as I have, and for forgiveness when I doubted His presence. Through my tears I suddenly felt I had a direct line to my Higher Power and my prayers were more like a conversation. Maybe this was the first time I really prayed with my mind and my heart.

Then the most incredible things began to happen. I went to my home group meeting and some of my SA friends expressed sorrow for my loss and I told them about my concerns about going to the funeral home. One of the members at this meeting was a close friend who I have shared my fears and anger about my mother with for some time. I hadn’t talked to him but he had heard my mother died and decided to drive two hours to this meeting. I knew he had come because he knew I needed him. I didn’t tell him I needed him there, but I know God told him. Another member asked me where the viewing would be. He said he might be there. On the drive to the funeral home the next night I talked with my wife about the fears I was experiencing, a conversation I could not have had before coming to SA. I would have stuffed these feelings in the past. I hadn’t thought about the member of SA who asked where the viewing would be until I turned in the parking lot and there he was waiting for me. I didn’t tell him I needed him there but I know God told him.

I realized that part of my recovery was based on avoiding people, places and things that might jeopardize my sobriety, and my fear was having to face a situation I couldn’t turn and run from. I hadn’t turned this fear over to my Higher Power until that night. When I did, God sent this SA member to help me. He stood by me and when I had to confront people from my past, I faced them as an adult, not as the child I would have been without SA recovery. My friend suggested we go outside and talk. We talked about what I was feeling and about gratitude. Then we prayed together. This weight was lifted from my heart and I thanked God that night for one more day of sobriety, for my wife standing by me, for this way of life we call the program of Sexaholics Anonymous and the members in the program who don’t just talk the talk, but also walk the walk.

The next day was the funeral. I received a call that morning from a good friend in SA who had been out of town and wanted to see how I was doing before I went to the funeral. All this love from people who want nothing in return but to remind me we share a responsibility in helping each other stay sober. It has made me more humble, more grateful and much more prepared to hear God when an SA is in need.