Surrendering to God led me to the miracle of true sobriety.

Hello, my name is Amr R. from Egypt. At age 10, I started touching myself but stopped because my mother told me I would go to hell for doing that. I discovered pornography at age 18 and soon became an addict, unable to stop masturbating for even one week. I came to SA at age 19, only a year ago. My first meeting was on Zoom. I joined SA because I was masturbating compulsively while watching pornography. When I first came to SA, I was able to stop acting out for 14 days because of the people here—they encouraged, affirmed, and loved me!

But after a while, I began to feel worse because my problem was not a lack of love, encouragement, or affirmation. I had an allergy and a mental obsession. Still, I kept trying to do things on my own. I went to lots of SA meetings, shared a lot, and got involved in service work. But I did not work the Steps, and so these tools were not enough. I started relapsing, and that lasted seven months. Looking back, I’d say my problem was that I was only around the Program but not in the Program. I asked God to help me be honest. I was making an effort. After each relapse, I kept saying, “I will go to more meetings, make more Program calls, do more Step work. I will… I will… I will…” But after seven months of relapses, I realized I had not even surrendered once or honestly admitted that I was powerless over lust—that lust was my master.

Then I heard someone in a meeting say, “Ask God to give you the gift of desperation.” He told me that if I prayed this way, I would receive a miracle. So, I prayed for desperation every morning and evening—but I still relapsed. Even so, I kept praying for this desperation. I told God, “I failed. I can’t get sober. But I will do everything I can to show You that I am willing, God.”

As I worked on Step Eight with my sponsor, I began giving him all my reasons why I kept relapsing. He then told me, “Go and start making your Step Eight and Nine amends.” I was three days sober when I made my first amends, and from that day until now, I have remained sober.

The first amends I made destroyed my ego (but that was a good thing). I began to feel the serenity that people in the Program talked about. I felt how strong God’s power was. I can only say that the gift of desperation was what allowed me to make amends because I could not do it on my own. The gift of desperation also helped me start doing SA service work. I took on two service positions on the same day—one for an in-person meeting and one for a Zoom meeting. My mind was telling me, “What are you doing? You’re not worthy to do service! You’ve been in the Program for only seven months and have been relapsing the whole time!” The difference this time was that I worked the Steps and used the tools of recovery I had been learning about. The miracle is that I’m still sober, and doing service is still crucial to my recovery!

I started sponsoring when I was only three weeks sober. I’ve now sponsored about 15 people. I really don’t know how I did these things—sponsoring and doing service. If you had asked me three months ago if I could sponsor and get sober, I would have said no. I was very fearful—in my addiction, I was afraid of everything.

Recently, I even helped find a new location for an in-person meeting and have been learning about the Twelve Traditions. What I like about in-person meetings is that there are sober, experienced people whom I respect and learn from. I’ve made some true friends there. I have really found in SA something so much better than lust. I found God.