Finding Strength in Higher Power and Self-Discovery
My name is Aaron M., and I’m a lust addict. One of the biggest parts of self-discovery in my recovery is the vast gulf that exists between who I am when I’m practicing sobriety and who I am when I’m in active addiction. They’re almost (but not quite!) two different people, with their own personalities and motivations. My sober self goes completely out the window whenever I take that first lust drink and the “other guy” kicks in.
In my normal, sober life I’m Aaron Jekyll, but when I take that lust drink, I’m Aaron Hyde.
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Normal Aaron Jekyll: |
Addicted Aaron Hyde: |
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I see the people who trigger me as human beings |
I see people as things I can project my lust onto |
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I rely only on Higher Power and am satisfied with my own worth |
I depend on lust objects to validate me and feed my ego |
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I want to share the joys of life and to give to others |
I want only to take the humanity from my lust objects |
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I view people as my equals |
I use and abuse people |
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I’m a responsible, content adult |
I’m an animal reduced to base urges, a helpless lust-drunk junkie |
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I’m a responsible and self-content adult |
I’m a stunted and insecure child |
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I respect women |
I degrade women |
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I let my higher power take the wheel and trust that I’ll be steered towards peace |
I steer myself toward potential legal problems, disease, shame, and financial loss |
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I trust God and surrender my lust |
I’m possessive and use my lust objects |
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I’m humane |
I’m amoral—often immoral |
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I respect |
I violate |
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I’m motivated by love |
I’m motivated by lust |
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I have Real Connection, the God-consciousness per Bill W. |
I’m disconnected from reality and from my own humanity |
As long as I stay away from that drink of lust and call on Higher Power to guide me in times when the drink appeals to me so much, I can coexist with my fellow beings. I’m above no one, and I’m below no one. I can engage with others as people and not possessions. When I’m sober, I’m acting from my heart and not my ego. I can take actions of love and mean it. I can be there for my people, I can be supportive, I can be strong, I can do the things my Higher Power wants me to do, what I’m supposed to do. I can let go and let God and live in gratitude for the life I already live. I can trust that the rocky roads will be taken care of. I can trust that if I fall, Higher Power will, and does, give me the strength to get back up, and put the blessings in my path.
Aaron M., Dublin, Ireland
