A Legacy of Recovery through the Eyes of Those She Helped
Working the Steps: First, we discussed the Steps. Second, Sylvia asked, “Are you reading the White Book or have you read the Twelve and Twelve?” This was before Step Into Action was written. I read the White Book to get the essence of the Steps and read the Twelve and Twelve to work the Steps. Third, I wrote about how I worked that particular Step and read what I wrote to her. Lastly, Sylvia gave feedback to determine whether or not I needed to go into more depth on the Step. When I was disturbed, she asked what Step I should be working on. She said, “You need to pray and write.” -Peg V., Ohio, USA
Making Amends: Sylvia suggested that I not make direct amends to the men I acted out with because that could harm them and trigger me. –Tricia S., Pennsylvania, USA
Three Types of Meetings:
My sponsor, Sylvia, suggested that I was to go to three meetings a week. She said, “You go to a Big Book meeting every week. You go to a Step meeting every week, and then you can go to a topic meeting every week.” I’ve tried to follow that guideline. Tricia S., Pennsylvania, USA
Go to Regionals and International Conventions: She encouraged me to go to SA International Conventions. However, travel was too expensive for me. But I could go to Regional SA meetings. Sylvia met with women at Internationals and brought back the message and information to share with us at the Regionals. -Tricia S., Pennsylvania, USA
Sylvia missed one Convention between the years 1983-2008. She arrived at the Cleveland airport in 2008, received word that her son was at the hospital with a heart attack, and immediately flew back home. From 2009 until the pandemic in 2020, Sylvia attended every Convention. No other person that we are aware of in SA history has attended that number of Conventions. -Peg V., Ohio, USA
No Form of Sex with Self: Sylvia directed me to focus on what the White Book says at the bottom of page 191. She helped me to see that the words are deliberately broad and unspecified. They are not: “no sex with self.” The words are: “no form of sex with self.” Sylvia walked alongside me as I slowly began to identify my forms of sex with self. As a result, I was able to experience the joy of sexual sobriety for the very first time. -Nancy S., Ohio, USA
Anonymity: When Sylvia corrected me, it was in the most gentle way. I sometimes didn’t notice she was correcting me until later. One day, I was telling her my opinion that anonymity was meant to be at the level of press, radio, and film. I quoted Dr. Bob and some oldtimers. She listened patiently until I was finished. Then she shared that the disease of sexaholism has a stigma, unlike any other addiction. The White Book suggests not disclosing our disease to our family members. She said, “I think about how it would affect my grandchildren if they found out their grandmother was a sexaholic. How would that affect them?” It opened my eyes to the delicacy of anonymity for SA members. – Laura W., Florida, USA
Service and SA’s Service Manual: Sylvia encouraged people to get involved in SA service outside the group. “When are you going to do it?” she asked me persistently. When I finally joined the Trustee Board, it was composed of five women. Three of us were Sylvia’s sponsees. With Sylvia’s encouragement, in 2001, we formed a committee and wrote the first SA Service Manual. – Tricia S., Pennsylvania, USA.
Sylvia was on the Nomination Committee for years. She recruited at Conventions and was wonderfully persuasive. People often said, “I never really thought about that.” Sylvia would say, “Well, you should think about it!” – Kay, SAICO Office Manager, USA
Sex Was Indeed Optional: I asked Sylvia, “How do you deal with sex as a married sexaholic?” She said, “We don’t.” That was a relief for me, and it has worked for me. I’m still married after many years, and sex isn’t a part of my marriage. That may sound odd to some people, but it was what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.” -Shirley S., California, USA
Keep Coming Back: Both Sylvia and her husband used CPAP machines, and they would bring them into their hotel room. It encourages me with my CPAP machine. It’s ok to get old, to keep going, and to pass the torch to the younger generation. Sylvia stuck with the Program and showed up to things even as she got older. That is encouraging to me. – Shirley S., California, USA
Surrendering Lust: Sylvia said, “Surrender lust as fast as you can, journal about it, get on the phone with other members. Most importantly … get it out of your head and connect with someone in the Program.” Peg V., Ohio, USA
Sylvia shared with me that she had an experience with lust at a Convention in Vancouver. A small group of women went to Victoria Island for the day to walk around. There was a new male member in the Program, and all of the women were lusting. They looked for a place that was set apart from the other people. They made a circle and had an SA meeting right there in the middle of Victoria Garden. There in the group, everybody surrendered the lust that was going on. After the meeting, the lust was gone, and they had a great time together for the rest of the weekend. Sylvia said, “That came about because lust no longer was a secret. If you keep it a secret, it stays there. But don’t just share about lust one-on-one. Do it in a group, surrender in a general way, with other people who are going to be supportive of it.” – Laura W., Florida, USA
Having Fun: Sylvia enjoyed having fun. I remember a Convention in Detroit. She said, “Join SA and see the world.” I had never taken time before or after a Convention to do any sightseeing. But in Detroit, Sylvia, Gene, and I took side trips. She had fun. We weren’t talking about SA the whole time. We were just enjoying each other. – Nancy S., Ohio, USA
Sylvia loved the saying, “We are not a glum lot.” She occasionally reminded me not to take myself too seriously. –Susie B., Idaho, USA
Sylvia had a great sense of humor. I was going through a difficult time with the loss of my mother. I missed her terribly. Sylvia said, “Do you want me to jump on a plane and be your mom for today? “-Peg V., Ohio, USA
Using the Check Meeting Tool: About 25 years ago, Sylvia knew I had been complaining about my marriage, and she called a check meeting at a Convention. Several women suggested that I consider the possibility of leaving my marriage. Sylvia was concerned about how my marriage was impacting my recovery. She used the tools of the program. They are not just theories. She lived the lifestyle of recovery. – Nancy S., Ohio, USA
Encouraging Women in Mixed Settings: By the time I met Sylvia, I was the only woman in Cleveland in 1998. … She tried to encourage me to trust the men in my meeting. I am an abuse survivor. Both my perpetrators were men. I had a really hard time trusting the men. I was either lusting after them or scared to death of them at the beginning. But she kept encouraging me to trust the oldtimers there. I was grateful that Sylvia kept telling me, “You need to persevere, you need to keep trying. God is in your corner.” I really needed this encouragement because I was the only woman in my area for years. Eventually, the women started coming back. She was definitely my life raft. -Peg V., Ohio, USA
I asked Sylvia if she was ever scared like I was when I first came to SA. She said, “You know, it never occurred to me that I didn’t belong.” Sylvia was naturally outgoing. Her example of courage and confidence helped women enter and thrive in a predominantly male fellowship. -Dorene S., Washington, USA
Asking for Help: I was told I needed to ask permission to ask for help in a meeting. Sylvia taught me that I never need to ask permission to ask for help. That is the place I go to for help. I simply ask for help when it’s my turn to speak, whether or not it is inconvenient. I may be told “no,” “not now,” or guided elsewhere, but as a sexaholic, no one can stop me from asking for help in a meeting.. – Laura W., Florida, USA
A Way of Life: Her relationship with God, her relationship with her family, and with the SA program: that was her life. It was her calling. – Nancy S., Ohio, USA
Personality: Sylvia was always larger than life when I knew her. She was a presence in the room and a force of nature to be dealt with. People with large personalities tend to go after life and don’t mind making mistakes. The whole purpose of sharing a life story full of colorful mistakes is in hopes that someone will get the message and think, “Maybe I don’t have to do that.”– Kay, SAICO Office Manager, USA
Sponsoree: Sylvia is one of the few people I know who used the word “sponsoree” instead of “sponsee.” Although we never talked specifically about why, I have a theory. She thought her sponsees helped her as much as she helped us. Keeping the whole word sponsor as the main part of the word supports the concept that she believed: “God doesn’t put two people together just to help one of them.” – Susie B., Idaho, USA
Modest Femininity: I had the experience of living in two extremes: either dressing like a bum to avoid being lusted after or dressing provocatively to be lusted after. Both extremes were painful. I felt less than others in one extreme and greater than others in the other extreme. Sylvia reassured me that as long as I am dressing modestly and for my Higher Power and myself, “I am allowed to look like a girl.” I was allowed to have my hair done and to wear some makeup. I was so relieved. Her experience, strength, and hope (ESH) made me feel not less than, not greater than, but equal to, with this aspect of responsible femininity. -Laura W., Florida, USA
Sylvia’s Plan for Homicide: She was the first and probably only member that I ever met who was going to hire someone to kill her husband. Then at the last minute, she took the money and went into rehab instead. Good for her. It completely changed the dynamic of her life and her whole family. It was a wonderful thing to behold. -Kay, SAICO Office Manager, USA
Sylvia and Gene’s Decline: Sylvia and Gene died within one year of each other. They were a powerful couple that served many years in their fellowships. When they started to decline, it became hard for Sylvia to remember how to use her cell phone and things like that. She became more vulnerable. She was more subdued at the end of her life. Yet she maintained a grace and a strength that I will always admire. When word got out that Sylvia was in hospice, her sponsees tried to call her, hoping they might have one last time to speak with her. Sylvia continued to take calls while on her deathbed. Although her voice was weak, Sylvia continued to take calls from sponsees and prayed with them. -Dorene S., Washington, USA
The Last Days: I was driving Sylvia home from a meeting two weeks before she passed. I said to her, “You have 41 years of sobriety, you are 80-something years old, and you don’t have to come to meetings anymore. Why do you still go to meetings?” She said, “I am still powerless over lust. I can still go back out. That’s why I have to go to meetings.”– Anonymous
As Sylvia grew older, she experienced painful losses. During and after her husband Gene’s final illness, a grieving Sylvia chose to end our conversations with a special prayer of blessing. I prayed this prayer with her two days before she passed. It was as if Sylvia were taking her final Step Three (receiving God’s blessing) and her final Step Twelve (passing God’s blessing to others). It was a bittersweet moment, one of sadness mixed with joy. It still brings tears to my eyes.
I believe Sylvia would pray this special prayer of blessing for all of SA: “May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.”– Dorene S., Washington, USA
