Flirting Was a Real High for Me

by Sylvia J. (at six years SA sober) with the original 1989 title

Reprinted in Member Stories 2007, pages 120-123 with the title “The Only Way I Knew”

When I was a little girl, about five years old, I remember sitting on my grandfather’s lap and combing his hair. It gave me such happy, good feelings. My grandfather died when I was seven. From that time on, I had trouble in school. I couldn’t concentrate, I would daydream, and I had headaches. I was a lonely child after I lost that special relationship. I didn’t know how to get love like that from anyone else. So, I comforted myself in my fantasies where I was a fairy princess. My Prince Charming would come and carry me off. We would live in the land of happiness forever doing wonderful deeds and sharing our love.

I was a middle child. My older sister did well in school and was very dependable. My younger sister was very pretty and precocious, so people always gave her a lot of attention. I set out to be all those things my sisters were. I worried about how I looked, and I tried to make lots of friends. I never fit in with the really popular people, but I found I could always have a group of friends by going with the 16 less popular ones. I became very social. When I reached my teens, I found that if I flirted, I could also have lots of boyfriends. The feelings I found from all this attention were like the feelings I remembered from the days I spent with my grandfather.

Flirting was the only way I knew to communicate with the males in my world. I felt guilty and ashamed for flirting the way I did, but I didn’t think I was smart enough to talk about anything that might interest them. I was torn between wanting the attention and feeling guilty about the way I was getting it. I had a secret place between the church and my house where the clover was high. I would sit there and cry for hours. I felt so inadequate and lonely. The more inadequate and lonely I felt, the more my need for attention. The high I got from flirting kept growing. I found that flirting led to petting. Even though I felt high from the sexual feelings and the attention, I would feel even more guilt from my behavior. I would go to my spot and cry from loneliness and guilt. Looking back, I see that I was becoming trapped in a painful downward spiral

When I was seventeen, I met a guy who drank. I had never been out with a guy who drank in front of me. He got drunk on our second date, and I decided then and there that he needed a nice girl like me to help him not to drink so much. He was the first man I had sex with, and I got pregnant. We got married in a big church wedding. He came late and was drunk. I swore I would get a divorce after the baby came, but I didn’t.

He was always gone with his drinking buddies. I felt angry and lonely much of the time. I tried to search for the God of my childhood to comfort me, but I didn’t know how to find Him. I started flirting again and found I felt better. Flirting became my drug whenever I felt bad.

As the flirting progressed, again I started thinking that there was a Prince Charming out there who would make me feel whole. I progressed from flirting to having affairs. Every time I had an affair, I would fall madly in love. The excitement of the chase was followed by the heartbreak of being used and by obsessing about a person I couldn’t have. Guilt, shame, and remorse were feelings I had to cope with every day. I would promise myself I would stop what I was doing, but I couldn’t. I was searching constantly for the love I needed, and hating myself for the men, the sex, and, not being able to stop, I would pray, and then I would curse God because I couldn’t stop; I thought God wasn’t listening to me. I felt so hopeless I wanted to die.

I tried taking tranquilizers to stop the pain I was in, but it didn’t help. I quit drugs and went to a psychiatrist, who helped me look at my behavior objectively. He said many people were doing what I was doing. If so many people were having affairs, it must be normal. I took permission from this rationalization to start searching again for my Prince. Just before coming into recovery, I became obsessed with one man.

I hated being so obsessed and constantly fought for control. This man and I were in a constant battle for supremacy. I could not get enough of him. Lust was so strong it was destroying me. I hated him. I loved him. I needed to please him, but it was never enough. I felt like a junkie ready to come out of my skin when I didn’t get a call from him. I hated the way I was living, but I could not stop. I felt so inadequate and alone. I thought I knew what hell would be like. Finally God answered my prayers by showing me a solution. I knew when I first heard about Al-Anon that it held an answer for me. My family situation had become really crazy. I had a daughter who was a drug addict, and my husband was an alcoholic. We went for help; all of us wound up in different treatment centers. The counselors told me I was going to treatment because I was codependent, but I knew my problem was men and sex. I had tried to stop my sexual behavior most of my life, but I couldn’t control it. My problem controlled me.

I worked the Al-Anon program one day at a time in an attempt to control my lust. I continued to flirt with other men. I thought flirting was alright, and my life did seem to get better. I didn’t have the highs anymore, but I also didn’t have the lows. However, I was still having problems with my feelings.

Then I heard about Sexaholics Anonymous. Right away, I knew that I needed this program, but I was afraid of what I would have to surrender. I was on an emotional roller coaster the week before the meeting. At my first Sexaholics Anonymous meeting, I found that my flirting was a high. I would need to stop it if I was to be sexually sober. I learned that flirting and masturbation, followed by guilt, had kept me emotionally stirred up and had prevented me from knowing true recovery. When I became willing to let go, God did his part by relieving me of the obsession. He has given me relief from obsession and spiritual growth since my first day of sobriety in 1983.

God has worked miracles in my life through the Twelve Step programs of recovery. My husband and I are still married. We understand the balance between taking care of ourselves for our marriage and giving of ourselves to the marriage. We have a relationship with God first because that relationship fills the emptiness that we were so frightened of and searching to fill. With the freedom we’ve found comes the ability to love each other in a new and exciting way. My relationships with my husband, son, and daughter are warm and different and growing all the time.

My husband and I went into business to help recovering people. We put everything we had into that venture, both financially and physically. We trusted God to replenish our resources. We both believed in the recovery process offered by Twelve Step programs. We were dedicated to helping others find their way to these programs. Our daughter was also in recovery and involved in our business. We were able to help others for many years until retirement.

We have three wonderful grandchildren whom we see often. I continue to operate my hairdressing business, perhaps in honor of my grandfather. Our only son used to hate me for what I had done. Today he calls me and tells me his problems. I can say that the Promises have come true for me. My family has grown and developed. Fear of economic insecurity has left me. We have grown spiritually. What used to be a life of mistrust has fallen away. I have no regrets and look forward to what each day brings. God has removed much of my selfishness. He has given me peace in my belief that I will be taken care of and be given exactly what I need for my spiritual growth. My prayers have been answered because I am taking the steps that allow God to work in my life. I feel that my hopes for finding love and doing good things for others are being fulfilled—one day at a time.

Sylvia J., Oklahoma, USA

Member Stories 2007, page 120

From Hitman to Honey
by Sylvia J., as told in later years at various speaker meetings
This is Sylvia’s story of her healed relationship with her husband, Gene.

I was really angry when my husband showed up late and drunk for our wedding. I will divorce him as soon as our baby is born, I told myself. But we stayed together while our children grew up.

Twenty-five years later, we were still married. Our family was in crisis. My daughter was an addict. My husband was an alcoholic. I was a sexaholic, but I didn’t know it yet. I blamed my husband. You know, if he didn’t drink all the time, I wouldn’t have to run around.

I was saving money to hire a hitman to kill my husband. My daughter was stealing my money for her cocaine. We were looking for treatment for our daughter. Instead, we all three entered separate treatment programs, partly paid forfunded withby my hitman money.

Gene and I started to work on our marriage. We agreed to stay married for six more months. Then we agreed to six more months. Then six more months. After several years, we didn’t need to make contracts anymore. For both of us, it took a lot of meetings, a lot of work, a lot of therapy, a lot of patience, and a lot of phone calls to our sponsors.

Today, my husband is a kind, thoughtful man. He is dedicated to his AA and S-Anon programs. He is dedicated to helping others. One day at a time, we have been married for more than 65 years. It has been a joyous time. I’m so glad I didn’t get him killed. I’m grateful that he’s still here. I’m grateful that God has given me a kind, understanding mate.