God’s love and will in her life are all she needs, and anything else is extra.

I grew up with an urge to be a grandmother; I just loved the idea of having a family and children. I would name my daughter after the girl who sits on the last bench in my class. I was in first grade, and I looked at my crush and thought, “If we had a daughter, I would name her after my classmate who’s at the top of our class.” Cute, right? I chuckle because I was only five when I did this.

Does this make me a sexaholic? Was it just an obsession or a childhood first love? Well, I always liked being in the feeling of love. Yes, love… the grass gets greener, and the sun seems brighter. And when I look at him, I love it when he looks back from afar. I love this one-sided melody without any destination. I don’t know when it turned into an obsession; I don’t know when this foolishness turned into insanity.

Now, let me be straight: I am not saying I can’t love. I am just saying I am obsessed with the idea of being in love. I always need someone who’s “husband material.” Someone whom I can obsess about having a family with… the Quick Fix. Then, I would be okay. But is that even true? Well, I have fallen in love more than I can count on my fingers, but I realized that love is in needlessness, and lust is in needfulness. This means when I “need” something, it becomes lust. It’s not love because I need him, and only him. I make him my higher power. What happens when he is in my life? He fails me, not because he is not capable, but because I can’t feed my God-hunger with him. I “need” God, only Him, and He can fill my hunger for love. 

So, people are like bonuses, because I don’t get my base salary from them; I get it from God. My God, my only employer, pays me and quenches my basic needs, so I don’t need to worry about my needs. I can give without lusting for the results. Bonuses are optional. When I have them, it’s great, but when I don’t, I will always have my base salary, which is my God, and that’s what makes life fun for me.