He discovered that being single allowed him to devote his whole life to God.
I was not put in this program by a spouse. I put myself here of my own volition. I don’t have to get found out or exposed because I have the opportunity to expose and find out about myself here in safety and connection with others, united in fellowship all across the world. I may not ever marry. It is possible that I could live a neo-monastic life in spiritual practice and connection with others under God all across the planet, and I’m okay with that. Lotta pain still, but pain when fully processed becomes wisdom.
In a Twelve-Step fellowship, the focus is always internal, as attitude transcends external circumstances. When it comes to relationships, I cannot choose who will come to sit at my table, but only on what I will bring to it. The focus is on my side of the street and on keeping my own home clean. I have learned from old timers that relationships are about what I can give, as I have no control over what I will be given. I believe that recovery is about giving, while active addiction is about taking, and it is only through recovery that my relationship with others and God can be good.
Sexaholism is a family disease that goes back multiple generations in my family tree, and it was modeled to me in place of real connection and true union between both spouses and both sexes. The saying is that “there’s always 6 people in the bedroom”—husband, wife, and all four parents as children learn to connect with the opposite sex through mother/father relations. For me, there’s always about 12 people in the bedroom, and being single has definitely helped me to sort out, uncover, discover, and discard much of what was in my baseline conditioning.
My recovery and time spent being single have offered me uncanny space and clarity necessary to keep from playing out intergenerational family dysfunction through sexaholism.
While I would love to marry, being single isn’t so bad when I realize what it’s for, as I believe there is a reason and purpose for which all things exist, under my Higher Power. With no one else in the way, what better time to connect with God? Being single is a time to reflect upon oneself and God and to find contentment inside oneself that can later be shared with another. This is the opposite of active addiction, as addiction is about taking, and recovery is about giving.
Whether I marry or not, I can be wed to my own healing process and to helping others heal too. Whether I ever have children of my own or not, I realize that I have a responsibility to pass on all the good I’ve been given. Whether someone calls me Dad or not, I am meant to set the best example I can for all members of younger generations. In doing all of this, my instinct to act as a father and as a husband is satisfied. Hard as it can be, that instinct is truly satisfied.
