This period of being single has given him time to work a rigorous program.

For most of my life, I’ve been looking for someone to connect with me and make me whole. I felt “inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid” (SA 203), always comparing my insides to the outsides of others. I was terrified of people seeing me for fear that they’d reject me—which was why I never learned to date. It felt too risky. 

I began acting out when I was 12 and entered SA when I was 22, so I spent at least a decade lost inside myself. I didn’t realize that lust was really my problem; it felt more like my solution. In reality, it was stunting my ability to grow up emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. I couldn’t feel my feelings and thus couldn’t relate to those around me.

At 22, I moved to Memphis for a training program, came into SA, and was directed not to get into any relationships until I was at least one year sober. While finding a wife wasn’t the first reason I came here, it was on my list, so this was inconvenient, to say the least. Shortly thereafter, I was directed not to spend time around girls at all for 90 days. This dashed whatever hope I had left. 

That year felt like a really long time. Looking back, I’m extremely grateful for coming into SA single and having the time to prioritize my recovery and sobriety. I believe being single in recovery has been one of my greatest assets. Here’s how:

It’s allowed me the clarity to take the Program seriously for no one else except myself. It’s allowed me the time to do the work of the 12 Steps. It’s given me the availability to dive into the Fellowship headfirst and begin the painful but necessary process of learning to tell the truth and connect with others honestly. It’s given me a safe place to make mistakes and learn from them before getting into a relationship. I think most of all, it’s not allowed me to lean on a relationship as a substitute for my drug

Being sober has given me the gift of feeling those painful feelings, which I used to medicate. And while that doesn’t always feel like a gift, it’s opened me up to really live again, single, sad and happy, lonely and joyous, and everything in between.