Learning how to surrender and open up to healthy activities affirmed that he belonged.

My name is Ryan, and I am a child of my Higher Power. As a former SA sponsor once

humorously suggested, “You qualify to be in the program, you are one of us!”

I came to SA in 2017, but after a while, it became clear that I needed to leave the Program. I needed to find a genuine and authentic spirituality—a relationship with a merciful and loving Higher Power. Another reason I left is that I found the meetings I attended too serious! There was no joy, no humor, no levity. It didn’t seem to correspond to my understanding of healthy and life-giving emotional sobriety, so I left.

I tried other programs. While I found many of these programs helpful in many ways, for me, lust is the problem and driving force behind my acting out. Today, I am grateful to have brothers

from a healthy SA meeting with whom I can walk in freedom from lust.

Growing up, I had a difficult time finding connections. I was always with my nose in a book and never with hobbies that connected me to others. Years after leaving SA, I tried online dating. Lusting after photographs and profile pictures didn’t do me any favors. At this time, I also attended services and events at church, but there was an unhealthy culture in which men and women did not talk to each other. I felt like I needed a way to meet people, especially women, in a fun, social, and wholesome way.

About six months before returning to SA, a friend came to my rescue with this gem:

“You’ve got to check out a swing dance night!” I was skeptical, since my only dance

was limited to a salsa class. That salsa class didn’t feel like a good way to connect with women. I took my friend up on his offer and was instantly hooked! It felt like a puzzle piece that had been missing from my life. I finally found the fun and wholesome connection that I was looking for! 

When I am dancing, I am taken out of myself. I’m focused on music and my partner. This

stands in stark contrast with the morbid self-obsession that I had in the depths of my

dark bondage to lust. Lust isolates me, makes me feel gravely serious, and isolates me.

Swing dancing commensurates with healthy lust-free sobriety! While some forms of dance might be inappropriate, swing dancing is not one of them. It is a wholesome way to find connection with others around you.

It is impossible to go through life without temptation. A spiritual mentor suggested that I view each temptation as a unique opportunity to grow. Now, when I am tempted, I realize this opportunity. There will never be another moment like this. I then ask what my Higher Power would want for me, which is usually to feel loved and connected. Then, I usually say a short prayer. All of this brings me out of myself and connects me to my Higher Power and others. Learning to connect with others is a valuable lesson that dance has taught me. 

Writing cannot capture all the benefits that this has given me! I learned:

It’s ok to have fun.

It’s ok to be silly.

I don’t have to be perfect.

I can make mistakes and laugh them off.

One of the most important lessons is how to connect with women. Before swing

dancing, there was a part of me that was convinced women hated me. This is no

longer the case. Dancing played a pivotal role in healing a wound that I had deep inside my heart. I feel more comfortable around people, and women especially, than I ever have.

An unexpected benefit that I gained from dance is connecting with other men, which is

something that I didn’t know I needed or even wanted. There is a group of guys that I

go swing dancing with— we dance with women. I have found a sense of camaraderie and friendship that has developed over learning how to dance and going to swing dancing events together, which has been a tremendous blessing in my life. Thanks for letting me share.