R.S. of Marina del Rey, California writes,

Last night I admitted I was a hateaholic.

I cannot tolerate even one ounce of my hate. For me it usually starts innocently, of course, with mild dislike or disapproval. That leads to strong negative feelings with a big dash of justification. Soon I’m wild with hate. I’m the quiet type and I generally keep it to myself as opposed to blowing up at the person involved. Sometimes I share it with my wife who, quite naturally, agrees with my presentation of the situation. My dumping on her simply adds more gas to my fire.

I am powerless over the hate I experience. It is usually hate towards other people and it doesn’t matter who the person is. Wherever I go, there is always someone for me to hate and I mean hate intensely. Every job I’ve ever had and every social group I’ve ever been a part of has been characterized with my hating at least one person so completely that the association was oftentimes unbearable.

How I got this way I don’t quite know. Luckily for me and my recovery, I don’t need to know such specifics just as I don’t need to know exactly how I became a sexaholic in order to recover from lust.

The one thing I’m sure of tonight is that I am powerless over my hate. And, as I’m learning in my recovery from lust, admitting powerlessness is the first step towards freedom.

For the past month or so I’ve been trying to control my hate. I tried desperately to “fix myself.” I spent lots of energy trying to pump myself full of “proper perspective,” but it didn’t work and I still found myself being immobilized with hate. I became drunk with hate over the slightest things! I tried to forget my hate and that didn’t work either. At times, I decided what I really needed was to disconnect from the person I was having a hate binge over, but that simply led to hating someone AND being disconnected from them.

The light of the fellowship in SA and the twelve steps have shown me that recovery begins with myself and the admission of powerlessness. All my life I’ve tried to do it the wrong way. I’ve tried to change people. I’ve tried to “be as honest as I can and let them know exactly how I stand.” I’ve tried to stop dwelling on negative emotions. None of these approaches worked. I just couldn’t stop hating.

I couldn’t believe how immediately liberated I felt when I realized and admitted I was a hateaholic. The problem was ME.

Now, each time I am tempted to act out my hate, I am being given an opportunity to recover. It is another opportunity to surrender and give away my hate to my Higher Power. I did this tonight and I couldn’t believe the victory that was mine to experience. I admitted powerlessness over my hate, gave it to Him and He took it. It was gone! I didn’t have to wallow in it for the next hour or so, which was my normal habit. I was so excited I had to call another SA member and share it.

I know from my short history in SA (6 months) that I must experience progressive victory over this hate of mine OR I WILL NOT STAY SEXUALLY SOBER. Last month I acted out my hate-sickness (in the privacy of my own home, like usual) and I stopped going to SA meetings for two weeks and thereby lost my sobriety.

So, it’s now clear to me: keep working the steps in every area of my life or lose my sobriety.

Thankfully for me, SA is not only interested in sexaholism. Like AA, they are interested in trudging the happy road to destiny and that road for me includes joyous freedom from all my defects, including my demoralizing hate.