
His gratitude list was the hammer that crushed his guilt and shame.
I didn’t think I was fearful. I was a strong, tough male who had gotten in fights before and played contact sports like football, hockey, and rugby. So I thought that I wasn’t afraid of anything.
Then, after completing my Fourth Step fears inventory and talking to my sponsor, I realized and admitted that the fabric of my life was shot through with fear. I had so many fears; I despaired of ever overcoming them! One of my biggest fears was the fear of other people’s opinion of me. I wanted to be liked, praised, admired, respected, worshipped even, whether I deserved it or not. And that was not happening.
My fears, I learned, were because self-reliance had failed me. I am only so strong, intelligent, persuasive, charming, etc. What if that wasn’t enough? Thankfully, I learned there is a better way. Trusting and relying upon infinite God rather than my finite self. Now, when fear comes up, “[I] ask Him to remove [my] fear and direct [my] attention to what He would have [us] be. At once, [I] commence to outgrow fear” (AA 68).
Before the SA program, my disease progressed, as well as my guilt and shame about it. While working the 12 Steps, I asked myself and my Higher Power, “Do the shame and guilt help?” The answer was a resounding, “No!” Neither helped me to stop acting out or recover. In fact, they made it worse! I would become more dishonest, resentful, selfish, etc. Sometimes I would act out to relieve the anguish caused by the shame and guilt of past acting out.
I found a solution to the shame and guilt I was feeling. First, I am no longer doing the things that I felt guilt and shame about. Second, I read that “We are sure that God wants us to be happy, joyous and free” (AA 133). So, I cannot be happy, joyous, and free if I am feeling guilt or shame over past acting out. The Big Book also says, “As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone” (AA 83). “We can look the world in the eye” (AA 75).
Sometimes people who know what I have done in the past try to make me feel shame and guilt about my past selfishness, dishonesty, and acting out. My sister-in-law, even after five years of sobriety and recovery, still says things like, “How can you look at yourself in the mirror? How do you live with yourself every day, knowing all the lying and cheating you have done?”
Those questions used to make me squirm and fill me with not only guilt and shame but also anger and fear: angry that she would bring it up and fearful that it would result in my divorce. Then I read the following, very helpful passage in Alcoholics Anonymous page 119, “When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings.” So my response to her was, “I am extremely grateful that I have found a solution to my problems and that, for today, I am no longer doing those things.” My sister-in-law likes to get the last word in, but she had no further response to that. She, in fact, is grateful too.
Vince G., New Brunswick, Canada