Her sponsor helped her admit deep resentment towards her adoptive mother. 

Rigorous is “an adjective that means extremely thorough, exhaustive, or accurate.” Rigorous honesty is a commitment to complete truthfulness in all aspects of life, even when it’s difficult or has consequences. Phew. To become rigorously honest is a process that develops through the recovery process. This addict had no clue how to be honest at the start of her journey, and to be rigorously honest seemed impossible. 

I started being honest with small things, then I gradually moved on to significant areas of my life. Taking my Fourth and Fifth Steps moved my honesty into a new depth. For example, before my Fourth and Fifth Steps, I was unable to admit how angry I was at my adoptive mother for not protecting me from sexual abuse by my adoptive father and her brother (my uncle). The fact that she was in the hospital during the sexual abuse by my adoptive father never occurred to me as a good excuse for her not protecting me. She never knew it happened. I was told that if I told her the truth, it would kill her. At eight years old, that was a terrifying thought—that words could kill your mother, and I accepted it would really happen. So instead, she received years of rage from me that was undeserved. I never stopped loving her, but at the point of the first sexual abuse, I began protecting her, and my childhood ended. It ended at eight years old. I grieve that loss still to this day. 

For many years after the sexual abuse, my goal in life was to protect myself, but I didn’t know how. My paternal grandmother suspected that something had happened. It was the first time I ever lied to her, and it put up a fence between us. She had been the person I told everything to until then. Instead, I gained 30 pounds in a year as my first attempt to protect myself. I created fantasies of being rescued by an older brother. I withdrew into a world where fantasy and lust took me away from all pain. It was a lonely world, but a safe one.

When I started my recovery journey in 1992, I only wanted to stay sober from acting out. My first sponsor helped me admit the depth of my anger towards my adoptive mother. Mom died in 1977 when I was 21. She is in heaven now, and I believe she knows about my sexual abuse. Has she wept about it? I think so, but I can’t talk to her to be sure of that since I am not in heaven. I talk to her regularly, and I hope she hears me. I have forgiven her. Is she angry that I never told her while she was on earth? I pray we can talk about it when I get to heaven. We are both precious children of God. With time and with God’s help, rigorous honesty has healed the wounds in my life.