This member reflects on all the different aspects of the Program that helped him to never fully disclose to his loved one. 

After 41 years of sobriety in recovery, I have still never fully disclosed my SA story to my wife. Even now, I ask myself how that could be.

I am not entirely sure of the reason. Perhaps I was too frightened. Perhaps I was following the guidance in the AA and SA literature. Perhaps my wife did not want details. Perhaps her Al-Anon sponsor advised her not to revisit the past. Whatever the reason, the simple truth is that I have never spoken to my wife in detail about my acting-out behavior.

We have been married for 64 years, and the last 41 have been lived in sexual sobriety. Somehow, our marriage has not only survived but flourished in recovery without my sharing the details of my past behavior. At times, my wife has heard me speak at conferences, where I acknowledge my history of sex with self and promiscuity, but I do not go into specifics.

As for full disclosure, I do not judge it. It is a tool used by therapists, but it is not found in AA or SA literature. I, therefore, consider it an outside issue and do not take a position on it. What I do reflect on is the reality of our memory in early recovery. My sponsor used to say that God gives us a gift by allowing us not to remember everything we did too soon. Remembering too much, too early, could overwhelm us with shame and even lead to relapse. Even now, 41 years later, I sometimes recall behaviors I had previously forgotten. How then am I able to give even myself a full review of my acting-out behaviors early in recovery?

 Alcoholics Anonymous says:

“Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think…” (AA 81).

Sexaholics Anonymous says:

“A caution. We suggest that newcomers to Sexaholics Anonymous not reveal their sexual past to a spouse or family member who does not already know of it, without careful consideration and a period of sexual sobriety, and even then, only after prior discussion with an SA sponsor or group” (SA 3).

.

From the onset of my recovery, I told my wife that I was in SA. I never kept my recovery a secret from her or from my family. I knew I had an illness, and just as with my membership in AA, my membership in SA was nothing to hide.

Does a spouse need to know if they may have been exposed to a venereal disease? In my opinion, yes. But the simple truth is often enough. My sponsor used to say that addicts either lie and say nothing, or they get diarrhea of the mouth and say too much. The simple truth means answering only the question being asked. Another honest response is simply, “I’m too uncomfortable to answer that right now.”

Why do some spouses feel a strong need to know “everything”?  I believe it is often because they sense the addict is still drunk—either not truly sober or still driven by lust. When we are genuinely sober, people usually can feel it, and they feel safe around us.

My job is to not try to convince my spouse that I am cured, but to remind her I have a chronic condition that requires eternal vigilance, one day at a time. 

I am deeply grateful for SA and for surrendering to the guidance of my sponsors concerning disclosures. My responsibility is to remember that I have an incurable illness and can not trust my own thinking. I must use my tools today just as much as I did 41 years ago. I cannot rest on my laurels. I stay sober through the Steps, the Fellowship, and the God of my understanding, and through remembering I have a physical allergy to lust.