Practicing the 12 Step solution allows her to come into recovery and experience pain without numbing out. 

“How can you lose your sobriety if you’re not even sober?!” I was listening to an old-timer when these words echoed in my ears. At that time, I had two years of sobriety, but I was sick and drunk.

I am a white knuckler, and I have various manifestations of this disease that are not physical but spiritual and mental. It’s really not about how many acting-out behaviors I had before SA. It’s not really a competition.

I’m not sober unless I’m in recovery. I have to ask myself each day if I am having progressive victory over lust. However, I have to go deeper. In my childhood, I used fantasies in my head to cope with domestic violence that I was experiencing. It’s all connected. 

My head tells me I will die if I don’t lust, and my trauma tells me I will die if I lust. I was stuck in this vicious cycle for years before I did some deeper work. My disease is tied to my pain, and my pain is tied to my trauma. If I learn to experience pain without numbing it with lust, I get progressive victory over my pain and hence over my disease.

My relationships with men have changed drastically. The men are not the trigger. The stories in my head are my trigger. “Stick to the business, Arpita,” my former sponsor said. “When you talk to men, think about why you are there and what your role is.” I am always grateful for such tools, as they keep me sober and in the moment. I am always grateful for those moments. They gave me hope that I can make real connections with people.

If I don’t stick to my program, I will stop recoiling from lust and die. I really have to practice the 12 Step solution to really come into recovery. Sobriety is a journey, and I am recovering as I strive for positive sobriety one day at a time.

Amen!