Like a Flickering Candle

I’m Jesse and I’m a sexaholic. I’m very grateful to SA for its limited membership requirements. I meet ALL the requirements. I have a desire not to lust, and I want to be sober (Tradition 3). I’ve been sexually sober since June 9, 2013, and for that I’m very grateful.

In the early days of AA, it is explained that nothing was as fragile as an AA group, and that for those individual members “we were like flickering candles in a windstorm” (12&12, p. 139).

After 9 years of continuous sobriety and 10 years of actively working the program, sponsoring many, starting groups, staying sober, watching many come and go, I think the analogy of a flickering candle is pretty accurate for both individuals and groups.

“On anvils of experience, the structure of our Society was hammered out” (12&12, pg. 131). The experience of AA was the proving ground for our Traditions. So long as I follow the path laid out “at my feet” (a term typically associated with the steps, but which applies to the twelve traditions just as well), I’ll be part of the solution to the lust problem, a problem that’s been with mankind since the beginning of early civilization. I’m so fortunate that the Traditions have held SA together long enough for my arrival. Now I feel a responsibility to take an active role in supporting and sustaining our 12 Traditions and sharing my experience with new members.

Now some important questions. How did you hear about SA? Who was it that told you there were others like you? Was it a therapist, a friend, a religious authority? What was your first meeting like? Can you remember how you got to the meeting? Were you afraid of walking into the room? How did you feel the first time others said out loud the general nature of their disease? How did you feel when they told you their sobriety dates? Did anyone have over a year of technical sobriety? Were you shocked? I remember all the above. I was told about SA by an AA old timer. He pointed me to the man who became my sponsor. I had a sponsor before my first meeting. I was told to attend AA and SA meetings, get the White Book, AA Big Book, and the AA Twelve & Twelve.

I drove myself to my first meeting. It was the “Friday Knight Vancouver, Washington Cross-Talkers” (named after a member who passed away). I was nervous entering the building. I wasn’t sure what I would find. Would it be like everywhere else, good loving people who didn’t know from experience, or would these folks actually know from personal experience? That question was resolved quickly! When the meeting started, they went around the room, each telling his sobriety date and briefly where lust took them. It was the first time in my life I knew I belonged. When it was my turn I said exactly what everybody else said, because I was listening to them closely, and knew that I had every bit of what they had, for real! I knew I was a sexaholic! I was so grateful to belong! They all told me: “Glad you’re here, Jesse. Welcome. Keep coming back!”

I became a sexaholic during the meeting. I didn’t know I was a sexaholic because of a book, a therapist, a religious person, or a corrections program. I had to be in the meeting first! Only then could I identify. And I’ve been an asset to the fellowship around me ever since.

After my first few meetings while on a vacation in the Vancouver/Portland area I had to return to my home in Korea. There I attended AA. I became a member there exactly the same way I became a member of SA in Vancouver WA. They welcomed me with open arms, told me to “keep coming back, start calling, keep calling, be part of”! That’s where I claim my real sobriety. In coming to AA. The love. It’s unspeakable! The experience is priceless. They were dead serious about the Traditions. Because of that, the group was good fun, healthy, and safe. Our business meetings were simple and to the point. We didn’t always agree on everything, but the group got what it needed. I learned that groups who follow the Traditions have simple, short, productive business meetings.

Looking back, that first meeting (a closed meeting) was a transformative moment not just in my recovery, but in my life! Certain things had to happen for that experience to be positive. I absolutely resembled a flickering candle! I was a non-member. I was worried and generally confused, but the members didn’t try to keep me out, or suggest I go someplace else. For me there was no place else. I was done. SA / AA literally was my last and final attempt to recover. There was no “plan B”.

I point to the sentiment found on page 141 in the 12&12 as my own: “At last experience taught us that to take away any alcoholic’s full chance was sometimes to pronounce his death sentence…”

Looking back, I can see how any discouragement in that process would have kept me out. I was willing to try, but before my first positive experience, just about anything could have ended my recovery forever. And for me, that would have cost my life. It would have cost each and every individual I’ve attempted to help or sponsor since that day. “How could ‘they’ know that ‘I’, a sometimes frightening person, would make an astonishing recovery, and become a worker and friend in the fellowship?” (12&12, p.131)

Again, I’m grateful for our Traditions of anonymity, no opinion on outside issues, that we remain self supporting, that we carry the message, and allow others to decide for themselves if they belong to our fellowship.

I’m so very grateful for those who took the time to walk me through the Steps with me, to those who let me attend meetings when I didn’t know if I belonged. I’m also grateful to be in a position to carry the message of hope for a brighter and more fulfilling future. I’m grateful that SA continues to insist that sexual sobriety is possible! I’m grateful for many things, especially that we have a specific requirement for SA membership and that there are no dues or fees. No other person’s opinion about me can prevent my membership. I’m a member because I say I want to be free from lust and maintain sexual sobriety.