When I came into the program, it was suggested I find a sponsor. I was told a sponsor would help me one-on-one to go through the Steps, and I should either take someone who meets “I want what he has’’ or simply look around at the end of the meeting for the first person who raises his hand when asked “Who is available to sponsor?”

When I joined SA, I was pretty broken inside. When I grew up my father abused me, both physically and emotionally. After my parents got divorced at age 10, my mother divorced two more times before I turned 18, and I was sexually abused by both my religious spiritual mentor (rabbi) and my therapist. I found myself in SA at age 24. Needless to say that I did not trust humans. I did not want a one-on-one help. But I was desperate and broken enough to take any suggestion you had to offer, I wanted a way out of my addiction.

Looking back, the first few sentences my first sponsor told me (I couldn’t really choose so I took the first one who raised his hand) were the only few things that would keep me in SA; anything else would have probably made me turn my back and leave SA. He said: “I can’t help you my friend, I am a sexaholic just like you. But I can show you how I worked the Steps and have found a Higher Power. He will be able to help you, like He helped me.”

I was not willing to trust anyone. But I was willing to follow suggestions and seek a Higher Power that might help. And I did. And He did. And my life today is literally beyond my wildest dreams.

So for me, sponsorship is simply about giving, for free and for fun, what I have been freely given in SA.

Of course, it starts with being sponsored. Because “you can’t give what you don’t have.” And since we are “a fellowship of men and women who share,” that’s all we have. We share our experience, strength, and hope with one another, so we can both stay sober, one day at a time.

There are challenges in being a sponsor, but in my experience the benefits are much greater. I’ll try to share some of the Challenges and Benefits I’ve experienced, and hope they will be useful to some of you.

Time:
The longer I’m in SA, the less “time” I have. When I stopped acting out, I probably got back 10-25 hours a week in which I used to act out (!) and I was willing to spend even longer in fellowship, meetings, and phone calls, because I wanted what you have. The longer I stayed, the better my life got, and I began filling my life with healthy things. Work, Family, Wife, Kids, and I got less and less time to spend in the disease.

Sponsoring others saves my life. Without the responsibility of working with others, without re-experiencing the Steps every time I work them with another person, without the excitement of sharing an embarrassing past story, or a huge fear or shame I had, and how SA helped me walk through it, I could easily forget what a living walking miracle I am. My life today is a miracle, any aspect of it is a direct result of the gifts I got in my SA journey, and I can easily lose any of it if I go back out again.

There is one thing you can never take from me: the time I spent sharing my message with others. I’ve had the most precious privilege of watching people transform, like me, from a broken, lost, and fearful child, to a beautiful, responsible, and sensitive grownup. And I even get to stay in touch with some of them today.

Connection & Intimacy:
Relationships are hard. If I wasn’t a love cripple, I probably wouldn’t be here. I am terrified of intimacy which is why lust was so attractive. Lust bypassed intimacy and true union. In sponsorship, I get to know people. They share everything, they call me daily, they share their resentments, their fears, their miracles. I get to be close to a real human being, for real, with no secrets and walls. And I grow.

I make so many mistakes. My sponsor helps me place boundaries and avoid rescuing addicts. I share honestly about my struggles and fears. I learn how to be a friend. I also learn how to be honest and reflect the truth when it’s required. Even at the risk of losing the relationship, because this is why they asked me to sponsor them: so I would help them work the Steps and reflect the truth as I see it from outside their heads. I learn to do it gently and respectfully. I learn a lot. Some of the closest relationships I have in my life today are with my sponsor and my sponsees.

The 12 Steps:
“How do I work with others? How would I know what’s the right thing to say? I’m not as smart as my sponsor!” were some of the fears I had when I started sponsoring. I started listening to recordings of old-timers. I listened to 12-Step workshops and Big Book studies (like the famous AA Joe & Charlie workshops) and began to see the patterns. The principles. The 12 Steps. I’ve come to realize that the 12 Steps are really “a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink (lust) and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.”(12&12, 15)

Taking others through the Steps is what has been keeping me in fit spiritual condition. It’s hard! I find myself sharing things with a sponsee, then realizing I haven’t been doing it myself—haven’t been letting go of that fear; haven’t been surrendering that lust thought as soon as it arrives; haven’t been asking for help; haven’t been opening up about similar issues to my sponsor; etc.

I’ve seen many ways to work the Steps and come to see it’s not a one-size-fits-all. A single man in his 20s, a married woman in her 40s, or a retired grandfather in his 60s might not work the Steps in the same pace or even in the same way. But the principles are simple. And God can work with anyone, if that person is willing to surrender and ask for help.

I’ve found that I keep learning new things as my sponsees struggle and we pray, ask others, and try out solutions, until something works and then what had been missing becomes apparent—the step or principle that had been lacking, the old idea I had been holding on to.

Working with others is what made my journey what it is. Working the 12 Steps alone wouldn’t have been the same.

Thanks to all of those who shared their message with me, I have been able to be a channel of my Higher Power, and pass it on to you. It’s yours now. If it works, pass it on!