I was sitting in the sun, trying to recuperate from an upper respiratory infection. The sun was shining so brightly as I was comfortably sitting in a lounge chair by the pool at the retirement center where we live. All of a sudden it turned dark. I looked up at the sky. It was but a small cloud that had floated by to a place between my view and the sun. That small cloud made the whole area dark. Where did the sun go? It was still there, but hidden by the cloud. Then the realization came that this is how my ego works.

The cloud is my ego. Everything could be bright and wonderful with the sunlight of the Spirit shining brightly. Then my voice in my head begins. What is that voice? We call it a thought. My sponsor would always warn me about thinking. No matter what I said when complaining to him, he would have the same response. He would say, “Harvey, you are thinking again.” He would go on to say that no matter how good the thought begins, it will always end in a negative.

Over the past 39 years in recovery, I have seen that he was entirely right. I have seen how my thinking will distort the most beautiful day into something dark and cloudy. My thoughts have another name—my ego. It uses many tricks. One of the tricks is the word, “shame.” When this ego trick puts me in shame, it’s actually telling me not to believe the First Step. It’s telling me that I don’t have an illness. That if only I had worked harder at it, I could have stopped my behavior. What I have learned over the years is that our Steps are there to help us deflate this ego.

The ego is merely my thinking. I have had to learn to rely on my intuitive self rather than on my thinking. My thinking is coming from the same brain that caused the problem in the first place.

Through my Eleventh Step, I can also use meditation to become mindful of my thoughts. I am now able to say, “wow, there is that thought again” and let it just flow by. Just like the clouds with the sun shining brightly. What a relief to have finally discovered, after many years in recovery, the second aspect of the Eleventh Step. It says, “Sought through prayer and meditation.” My mind blocked the word “meditation.” Now, through years of being willing to take time out most days to actually sit quietly with a guided meditation, I can choose to observe my thoughts rather than participate in them. The miracle of SA sobriety is that it never stops.

It is a wonderful freedom not to be directed by my ego. Today, I can be directed by my intuitive thoughts. The power comes when I do not listen to my ego. How true that statement is—EGO, “Easing God Out.” When I am into my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking thoughts, I am easing out my spiritual connection.

Today, I cannot rest on my laurels. Although I have over 39 years of sobriety in SA, my adventure into the Eleventh Step gets deeper and deeper. With 23 years of sobriety, Bill W. wrote concerning his involvement with the Eleventh Step: “I’m sure I am still very much in the beginner’s class; I’m almost a case of arrested development” (Language of the Heart 239). I certainly can identify with Bill W’s statement.