I am eternally grateful for this program of recovery. This program has become one of the most profound changes in my life as it literally has saved my life (and it continues to save it one day at a time) from being sucked into a black hole with no hope of escape!

The black hole, sexaholism, is nothing but an endless maze full of sorrow and confusion. Actually, my life in this addiction was not a joyful ride at all. One of the most important things that has opened up to me lately is my reflections on the word “addiction.” I now find that it has become a word that does not describe the reality of the dimensions of my spiritual illness. Rather, it puts it in a very narrow corner that cannot describe the depth of the problem I was in. And when I contemplated the White Book, I found descriptions that put me right on the same page with the drunk person. The search extended further to the meanings of the word “alcoholic,” to find it describing a complete loss of control towards drinking. Compulsive sex was nothing but a reflection of the continuous state of craving that deserves to be described as addiction. But as I said, addiction does not have one face only. Actually, I believe that addiction is like a cube (so to speak) in its many faces.

Today, I find that I am a sex drunk. Random sex, driven by lust, turned into a pattern that kills the soul, it became a whole life. There was no longer any ability to distinguish between right and wrong and this made me objectify people and it ruined my ability to accept love without sex! Another example, I found myself discussing with my wife that it is OK for us to try other partners, if we wish to! I totally overlooked the fact that I am a father, and how this will destroy my family! Even more, I remember that for me it was OK to seduce friends for sex! It was OK to snoop around, it was OK to cross any line under the name of love! It was OK to spend hours watching porn, because I was bored.

It was not just a behavior. It was a multi-dimensional spiritual experience. It was silencing many voices within me and creating fake communication in a failed attempt that lasted for years to fill the lonely void in my soul. I created my addiction by overdosing. Deliberately, I chose sex and I did not know why, but back then it was the happiest thing for me. The experience was like that of an alcoholic who seeks ecstasy in glass after glass and the world is lost in the liquid in the bottle. The glass of sex, usually mixed with fantasizing masturbation, was one of the strongest drugs I’ve been drinking. On a daily basis, I got drunk, and as soon as the drug did its work, I lost my mind and broke one limit after another. The compulsive impulse was replacing the mind, pushing my choices towards “the more and better and wilder” (in the eye of my lust).

Today I am sober and alert. My body has no traces of drunkenness, but my mind still sees that intoxication is the way to the fourth dimension. I know better, as this is a false fourth dimension! The true fourth dimension, which guarantees spiritual flight, comes by practicing the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. I am but a little bird flying in the Lord’s paradise enjoying the light of the sun of the soul, drinking from the water of life. I am truly alive.